ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference

Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

[ArGee]

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."

[fanfan]

My daughter is taking her son to “Room on the Broom”. If Fred has a moral challenge, I’ll have a book.

[Tax-chick]

Sounds exciting!

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

I love The Old Farmer’s Almanac.

[NicknamedBob]

"Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic, and mildly hostile toward the universe."

One should regard the universe with suspicion, with apprehension, and with awe.

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Two should spare a moment as well, to look at each other.

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(In the same fashion, mostly.)

[Tax-chick]

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3387331/posts

J.Random Freeper (/johnny) has died after a long battle. Please stop by to recognize a true American original.

[Robert A Cook PE]

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[NicknamedBob]

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[Dead Corpse]

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I hate it when that happens. Seriously...

[NoCmpromiz]

Weather ap on this smorfphome sez snow starts in 97 minutes. Gives me plenty of time to get home. Filled gas tank on subaru in case the all/4wd is required. The weather service film have downgraded the total amount of snow to 2-4”...

[Tax-chick]

I know. Only 54. I’m going to be 50 this year.

[Tax-chick]

Our low is supposed to be 25, with a 40% chance of “snow showers” tomorrow morning.

If we could get just 2 or 3 degrees warmer and some sun!

[NicknamedBob]

You kids be careful. And take your vitamins.

[Tax-chick]

I do!

[Dead Corpse]

47 in May... I’ve been working out 4 days a week and eating fairly clean.

[Chode]

Johnny, we hardly knew ya... God Speed and may God bless. RIP

[HKMk23]

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[NicknamedBob]

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I'm glad to hear it. I shall be quite annoyed to discover that I have outlived either one of you.

[NoCmpromiz]

Maybe there will be some who would wish to borrow this come morning..

Solidified Glowbull Warmthing Relocation Device

[NoCmpromiz]

[Tax-chick]

I shall be quite annoyed to discover that I have outlived either one of you.

Clean living. It's why I can win at Monopoly.