ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference

Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

[ArGee]

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."

[Monkey Face]

Every time the weather prevaricator says it’s going to be a hundred and plenty, I think of you and your hundred and WAY too much. Wishing you some cold suds at the poolside, SJB!

[stephenjohnbanker]

Thanks. My back is out and I’m in near agony right now. Staying in the den with the AC.

[Tax-chick]

I assume that’s why you live there.

[stephenjohnbanker]

I live for the OTHER 9 months of the year : )

[Tax-chick]

Oh, I see!

[Monkey Face]

A pool might help you relax those back muscles, what with the buoyancy factor. Just a thought.

[Tax-chick]

I like floating in the pool when something is sore.

[Monkey Face]

So di I. I just like being in a pool, and wish the indoor one here wasn’t so far away and that I hadn’t lost so much weight...the bathing suit fall off of me, now.

[Tax-chick]

I will take a swimming test on Saturday for Cub Scout day camp, but I probably won’t swim at camp: too much sun exposure.

[Monkey Face]

Hmmm...9229...Good choice, T-c!

[Monkey Face]

And now, she sez, I think I’ll go lie down. It’s been an ugly day. My body and my brain need some respite.

See all y’all tomorrow! :o]

[Tax-chick]

Hope you feel better soon!

[stephenjohnbanker]

We have a HOA pool, and I go there every day.

[Tax-chick]

Excellent choice!

[ArGee]

One summer at El Rancho Cima it was so hot I volunteered to be a victim for the lifeguard class. True, some of the guys were a little rough “saving” me but I’m a strong swimmer and I got to spend all day floating in a pool.

[Tax-chick]

[Tax-chick]

The carnivorous predator likes me!

[NicknamedBob]

Regarding your tagline: “The world is a dangerous place whose inhabitation always ends in death.”~Theodore Dalrymple

— I’ve always substituted the word “universe” for “world” in that expression. The Universe is hostile to all life, and that includes us.

[Monkey Face]

Didn’t Bilbo say something similar — It’s dangerous going out your door...or something...? I’d have to get the book. Which is about six feet away from me in all of three directions, but I’m still trying to wake up.

[NicknamedBob]

Heck, you don’t have to go as far as your door to find danger. You should have seen the spider that wanted to be my bed-partner.

I put in in a jar but nobody else wanted to look at it. So I put it outside where it could wreak its malevolence according to its nature.