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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Gefn

Been there, done that. There is an end to the dark tunnel.


9,621 posted on 06/18/2016 7:04:21 AM PDT by null and void (Hillary Milhouse Clinton: I'm not a c-c-c-crook! Crook! Yeah, that's the c-word I was looking for!)
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To: Gefn; Monkey Face
I'm so sorry you're not well. I'm at a Spanish religious conference with some of my church ladies. We have more prayers this afternoon and I will remember you especially. Mass starting in 15. The old ladies and I need to go to the Ladies'. 😃
9,622 posted on 06/18/2016 10:09:45 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("Air is great!" ~ Kathleen)
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To: Monkey Face
the order had gone out on the 16th.

If they can't give you a tracking number it didn't ship. And if they refunded monies except for shipping and handling, and the shipping cost more than $0.00 it might be advantageous to rattle their cage again..

Now on the slim odds that they really did ship it and gave you a refund on the goods because of the ill will caused by their incompetency you'll know soon. Unless they shipped by camel caravan. In which case it's traversing the Sahara as we speak and will arrive in time for Christmas. Next year.

Sounds like this is a company to avoid in the forever future.. ;-)

9,623 posted on 06/18/2016 10:43:37 AM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment. I)
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To: NoCmpromiz

And it gets curioser and curioser. I called again, and this time they gave me a tracking number, but they also took out all the money including for S&H. So I will call them on Monday and ask for the S&H refund.

NOW this guy wants to buy a pair or two of shoes from them. GAH!


9,624 posted on 06/18/2016 11:03:17 AM PDT by Monkey Face (I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick. :o]))
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To: Monkey Face

Your post requires musical accompaniment.
Will sort that out later. :)

How’s Face this fine Caturday?


9,625 posted on 06/18/2016 11:41:22 AM PDT by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. ...Ermentrude chewed on some more grass and watched....)
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To: Monkey Face

What happens when you plug that tracking number they gave you into UPS/USPS/FedX or whoever’s tracking page?

And methinks that you should inform your ‘client’ that should he wish to do business with this company ever again, he’s welcome to do so under his own name..


9,626 posted on 06/18/2016 11:43:46 AM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment. I)
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To: Covenantor
Afternoon. :)

"elevenses in Zulu zone."
‎11‎:‎27‎:‎55

If I'd been awake it certainly would have been time for Tea.

9,627 posted on 06/18/2016 11:44:26 AM PDT by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. ...Ermentrude chewed on some more grass and watched....)
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To: moose07

It would seem that ‘Face is somewhat depressed, the condition coming on quickly, of course. I don’t know how long it will last, but it isn’t much fun, and I don’t want it to get any worse.

I’m thinking I’m going to go in and lie down, since I can’t seem to get past this albatross. The mood swings are the hardest to deal with. And again, I say, CFIDS is an insidious disease.

Part of the problem, I’m sure is that I didn’t feel well during the night and as a result, I didn’t get much sleep. So yes, I’m going to go lie down. :o[


9,628 posted on 06/18/2016 12:19:35 PM PDT by Monkey Face (I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick. :o]))
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To: NoCmpromiz

I’m going to tell Chuck he is on his own as far as his shoes are concerned.

I’m getting nothing out of this. At all. It’s not even a fun company to deal with because everyone I’ve talked to sounds like they have been weaned on a pickle.

And I’m heading for bed.

Tomorrow, then...


9,629 posted on 06/18/2016 12:21:53 PM PDT by Monkey Face (I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick. :o]))
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To: Monkey Face

(((Hugs)))


9,630 posted on 06/18/2016 12:32:02 PM PDT by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. ...Ermentrude chewed on some more grass and watched....)
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To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face; moose07

Along the lines of the ‘big room’ being a place of horror..

I was accessing my wagondevice (the one with the pull handle as opposed to the one that tows behind the little Red Riding Thing) which was under assorted tarps in the wasabarn. One of the assorted tarps was a remnant of the ex-cover for my shed-in-a-box which was replaced by a new cover back in maybe December. Thus the wagon with the pull handle has not been uncovered at least since that date. But it gives a starting point for a timeline.

As I peeled back the tarp layers I made a sort-of-morbid discovery - a cat corpse. I immediately thought of The Copy who had gone missing, but the timeline was wrong as she had disappeared months before we changed the shed-in-a-box skin and the deceased was between the normal tarp over the wagon and the shed-in-a-box skin. Plus the remains were just too big to have been her. More tomcat sized. With a winter furcoat.

General consensus is that it was Stripy Tom, a sort of gray brown black striped tabby who used to show up and pilfer from the foodplate and crunchie bowl we set out for Thomas Tom, the offspring of the late killed-by-dogs Sootie. We haven’t seen Stripy Tom since sometime (we collectively agreed) in January.

The condition of the corpse prevented forensic examination and left to speculation the cause of his demise. The two highest probability factors are hit by car on the road and he made it that far for shelter, or attacked by the Coy O’Tays and managed to escape but with serious injuries. Being a feral he would not have come to a human for help but would have taken advantage of the various hidey places we offer.

I utilized a shovel device to remove the remains..


9,631 posted on 06/18/2016 12:32:57 PM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment. I)
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To: NoCmpromiz

I have a poem for that:

.

Down on the Road

My wife’s cat got killed down on the road the other day,
Expending all of its lives in a futile, final moment.
Probably, it’s better that it happened quickly,
We wouldn’t want the beast to live in torment.

We never got around to giving it a name,
Translating just as friendly sounds,
And we were just some folks it saw,
In making its appointed rounds.

The necessary burial detail fell to me,
I’ve had too much of practice in the task.
I’d just as soon it fall to someone else,
To let me shrug and wonder if she’d ask.

“So, have you seen the cat of late?
The poor thing must be ready to come round …”
“No, Dear. I haven’t seen it,
It’s probably in another part of town.”

The comfort of not knowing would be welcome.
Instead I have the dread of knowing truth;
That cats will go a-hurrying across a road,
As if the hounds of Hell pursueth.

Cats and highway vehicles don’t mix too well,
The feline wiring won’t admit,
That there are times and circumstances,
When cat-quick reflexes don’t fit.

And thus the grisly task inherits me.
Holding back my tears with stoic face,
I perform a silent duty to a former friend,
Caught between a wheel and a hard place.

Then walking back to put away the shovel,
I have a little time to give it thought.
Please let someone do the same for me,
When I have lost the final battle that I fought.

Just put me down where frost won’t make me shiver,
And cover with a blanket made of grass,
Amidst the roots which always smell so pleasant,
Of soda-scented sweetened sassafras.

NicknamedBob . . . March 19, 2008


9,632 posted on 06/18/2016 3:08:29 PM PDT by NicknamedBob (If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
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To: Monkey Face

Pat is thin and lanky, but he’s only 5’4” or so, so he’s not running into or tripping over things all the time. Maybe next year when he’s grown another 4-5 inches. James and Frank are clumsy, Vlad has the coordinations, just as he has most of the other useful abilities. He will go far.

I’m exhausted reading my schedule, too, but actually doing it won’t be nearly as difficult as last week.


9,633 posted on 06/18/2016 4:43:08 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("Air is great!" ~ Kathleen)
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To: NicknamedBob; NoCmpromiz

Nice poem, Bob. I saw a dead coyote in a ditch recently. Could it have been as recently as this morning, when I was leaving the church parking lot at 6:00 a.m. with the Puerto Rican ladies? I think perhaps it was, and the dead coyote was next to the bamboo forest on the right.

Died of stupid.


9,634 posted on 06/18/2016 4:46:54 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("Air is great!" ~ Kathleen)
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To: NoCmpromiz; moose07

Um, I think that immodestly-dressed women (i.e., sans burqas) are responsible for climate change, at least according to some imam or another. Therefore, you can stop worrying, or maybe you have to worry more. :)


9,635 posted on 06/18/2016 5:15:20 PM PDT by Silentgypsy
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To: Tax-chick
"Died of stupid."

The coyote was probably texting.

Stupid is the kind of condition that sticks with you until it wears down your luck. It's pernicious.

One of the things that troubles me is that as a species, we have pretty much dealt with most of the predators that could formerly help us evolve better reflexes and more acute senses. This meant that we had to develop our own predators and so we did. We developed human predators to chase down the weak-minded and gullible.

This has apparently not been enough. We have been growing stupid faster than we have been able to weed out the bad genes.

Of necessity, Mother Nature has released yet another potion of maturation; you can now see otherwise apparently able people wandering around in a confused daze while staring at an animated plastic talisman. They then get into the most perplexing difficulties as if they had not a brain in their head. The rule seems to be the smarter the phone the dumber the user.

Could it be that these things are like virtual incubi and succubi to drain the spirit and will of the gullible? These are not the smarts you're looking for!

9,636 posted on 06/18/2016 5:17:57 PM PDT by NicknamedBob (If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
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To: Silentgypsy; NoCmpromiz; moose07
"I think that immodestly-dressed women (i.e., sans burqas) are responsible for climate change, at least according to some imam or another."

Actually, it's the other way around. All those people wearing dark clothing are contributing to global warming.

They should emulate the French and others on Mediterranean beaches and reduce the amount of dark clothing that is exposed to sunlight.

It's the only way to avoid a global catastrophe.

9,637 posted on 06/18/2016 5:22:44 PM PDT by NicknamedBob (If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
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To: NicknamedBob

Thank you.


9,638 posted on 06/18/2016 5:25:49 PM PDT by Silentgypsy
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To: Silentgypsy

Happy to help.


9,639 posted on 06/18/2016 5:36:09 PM PDT by NicknamedBob (If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
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To: NicknamedBob

I get to pickup my sister at the airport at 11:58 to night.


9,640 posted on 06/18/2016 9:29:09 PM PDT by ThomasThomas (Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.)
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