HUMANS EVOLVED FROM PIGS - not from monkeys, new theory states!

The Weekly World News ^ | 04/19/2004

[MRMEAN]

HUMANS EVOLVED FROM PIGS - not from monkeys, new theory states! Charles Darwin was wrong -- humans evolved from pigs, not apes. And that explains the Biblical prohibition against consuming the flesh of our oinking relatives, according to a startling new theory. "It's hard to believe, but you and Porky Pig are kissing cousins," says genetic scientist Dr. Basil Hainwright of London. "Dim recollections of a time when we trotted on all fours and rolled in the mud with our family members probably survived into Neolithic times. "And so it is hardly surprising that dietary laws making taboo the eating of pork -- one step away from cannibalism -- found their way into the holiest texts of ancient man." Until modern-day DNA science came of age and researchers meticulously analyzed the specific genes of mankind and other creatures, it was widely assumed that humans and hogs were as distantly related as we look. But the latest research shows the two species are unbelievably close. "It turns out humans and pigs shared a common ancestor just 64 million years ago -- a blink of the eye in evolutionary terms," Dr. Hainwright says. "My research suggests that this creature looked far more like a pig than an ape. It walked on all fours, had an upturned snout and a small, curly tail. "If you saw it today, you would definitely identify it as a pig." The close relationship explains the many similarities between the species today: *Both are extremely intelligent. *Both are omnivores, eating meat as well as vegetables. *Both are highly adaptable, capable of gentle behavior in a protective environment, while capable of great aggression when forced to fend for themselves. "This also explains why pig organs are so successful in transplants into humans," explains Dr. Hainwright. "Not only are the genetic differences almost inconsequential, but the closeness of size and function of pig organs make them perfectly compatible with the human body. "Even the most primitive savages have noted the extraordinary resemblance: A name given by cannibals to human meat is 'long pig.' "And of course, in schools around the world, fetal pigs are chosen for dissection because they're virtually identical at a certain stage to an unborn human." While all this may sound creepy, Dr. Hainwright says it shouldn't cause us to abandon xenotransplantion, as the use of pig organs is known -- and he doesn't even believe we should give up our beloved bacon and pork chops. "At some point in evolution, our ancestors climbed out of the mud, began walking erect and started using tools," he explains. "Our less-ambitious cousins developed into the Middle-Eastern wild boar Sus scrofa, the ancestor of domesticated breeds of pigs now raised for food in Great Britain and the U.S. "While we may from time to time look at a pig struggling in its pen and honking in fear as it's taken to the slaughterhouse, and imagine ourselves in its place, the reality is evolution has led us quite far from our piggish ancestors."

[Conservatrix]

Well, this explains Michael Moore...

[machman]

I believe this news.....

[cowboyway]

humans evolved from pigs

That isn't true. I'm a man and I happen to know that men come from dogs. I know this cause my ex-wife told me this frequently.

Now this is uncanny. When I did a spell check for the above, the spell correction options for 'ex-wife' were, accusative and acquisitive. That couldn't have just happened like that. Could it?

[UseYourHead]

Rod serling knew this and was killed for it:

[AnOldCowhand]

"Our less-ambitious cousins developed into the Middle-Eastern wild boar..." Think about it.

[506trooper]

But, we're lovable pigs.

[MotleyGirl70]

I'll see your Michael Moore and raise you a Henry Waxman

[MotleyGirl70]

KRAMER:The pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He was just lying there and then he woke up. He looked up at me and made this horrible sound.

George: Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?

KRAMER:I'm talking about the pigman, George. I went into the wrong room and there he was.

George: A pigman?

KRAMER: Yes, a pigman. Half pig, half man.

[Clemenza]

The government has been experimenting with pig men for years...

[Cagey]

[balrog666]

Humorous ping!

[PatrickHenry]

Humorous indeed.

[nmh]

WOW!

We've jumped from fish to apes, aardvarks and now pigs?

Evolution has to constantly evolve since it's premise is preposterous.

[LiteKeeper]

YEC INTREP

[BJungNan]

OK Gals, go ahead and say it. You knew all along that men were pigs!

[SunkenCiv]

Finally decided to ping this topic, everyone could use a chuckle.

Please FREEPMAIL me if you want on, off, or alter the "Gods, Graves, Glyphs" PING list --
Archaeology/Anthropology/Ancient Cultures/Artifacts/Antiquities, etc.
The GGG Digest -- Gods, Graves, Glyphs (alpha order)

[TXBSAFH]

Well I have been called a male chauvinist pig before, does that count?

[GraniteStateConservative]

OK, so maybe Herb Tarlek.

[SunkenCiv]

Macon Bacon comes from Georgia.

[rimshot!]

Hey, I had to think fast. Mistakes happen.

[Tallguy]

Certainly a collection of the 'least evolved' of our species!