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And then the fight started...
E-mail from a Former FReeper ^ | 3 February 2009 | A Former FReeper

Posted on 02/03/2009 1:32:00 PM PST by Rockitz

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" "Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: freepun; humor; joke; jokes
Good stuff.
1 posted on 02/03/2009 1:32:00 PM PST by Rockitz
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To: Rockitz

LOL!!!!


2 posted on 02/03/2009 1:33:18 PM PST by silverleaf (Fasten your seat belts- it's going to be a BUMPY ride.)
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To: Rockitz

Very good.


3 posted on 02/03/2009 1:35:44 PM PST by RC one
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To: Rockitz
For our 50th anniversary, I took my wife somewhere she's never been before. The kitchen.
Henny Youngman.
4 posted on 02/03/2009 1:37:12 PM PST by duckman (Jesus I trust in You. Mary take over)
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To: Rockitz; Lazmataz

Now, now, Laz is not a “former FReeper” anymore. ;^)


5 posted on 02/03/2009 1:37:12 PM PST by Just another Joe (Warning: FReeping can be addictive and helpful to your mental health)
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To: Rockitz

I rear ended the car in front of me on the way to work. I got out of the car to look at the damage, but the other driver seemed to have some trouble getting out of his car. There was hardly a scratch, so he could not have been injured. But when the door opened I understood why. Because he was a Dwarf, he had an elaborate system of belts and pedals which enabled him to drive. He walks around to the back of the car. Looks at the scratch and says to me, “I am not happy”. So I said, “Well then, which one are you?” And then the fight started.


6 posted on 02/03/2009 1:37:23 PM PST by massgopguy (I owe everything to George Bailey)
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To: Rockitz

ROFL! These are good ones. I can relate.


7 posted on 02/03/2009 1:38:02 PM PST by Palladin (Congrats to Michael Steele!)
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To: Rockitz

LMAO!!!!


8 posted on 02/03/2009 1:39:48 PM PST by RushIsMyTeddyBear (Obama dozed.....people froze.)
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To: duckman

My wife and I were happy for 20 years ... then we met!
Rodney Dangerfield


9 posted on 02/03/2009 1:40:18 PM PST by silverleaf (Fasten your seat belts- it's going to be a BUMPY ride.)
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To: Just another Joe; Lazmataz; Lazamataz

Lazamataz != Lazmataz


10 posted on 02/03/2009 1:42:39 PM PST by Slings and Arrows (This fiasco brought to you by the failed Obama administration.)
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To: Rockitz
Rim shot theater! "Bang zoom, to the moon Alice!"
11 posted on 02/03/2009 1:44:20 PM PST by garyhope (Barack Hussein Obambi, Marxist traitor and the end of America and Western civilization)
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To: Rockitz
I should have saved reading these for a day when I needed something to improve my mood. I didn't need it today because I'm still doing my Daschle Dance.
12 posted on 02/03/2009 1:44:54 PM PST by KarlInOhio (On 9/11 Israel mourned with us while the Palestinians danced in the streets. Who should we support?)
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To: Rockitz

Bah-dah-bump, keesh!
LOL!


13 posted on 02/03/2009 1:45:13 PM PST by 50cal Smokepole (Hey Al Gore! Get your fat carcass over here and shovel all this global warming off my driveway!)
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To: Slings and Arrows
OK, OK, i forgot the 'a'.

I admit it.

So who is the FReeper Lazmataz?

14 posted on 02/03/2009 1:45:41 PM PST by Just another Joe (Warning: FReeping can be addictive and helpful to your mental health)
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To: Just another Joe

I dunno - he’s been banned for years.


15 posted on 02/03/2009 1:46:47 PM PST by Slings and Arrows (This fiasco brought to you by the failed Obama administration.)
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To: 2nd amendment mama

Ping!——These are too good to miss.


16 posted on 02/03/2009 1:49:47 PM PST by basil ( It's time to eliminate all "Gun Free Zones")
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To: Rockitz

How about some “a priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar,.....” jokes?

Or,....”an Irishman, a Jew and an Italian” (subsitute your favorite ethnic stereotype here,....) walk into a bar,......

I just love the old bad cornball jokes.

“Take my wife,.....Please!”

Like the other day, a friend of mine said to me,...”You’re a real comodeian”


17 posted on 02/03/2009 1:50:35 PM PST by garyhope (Barack Hussein Obambi, Marxist traitor and the end of America and Western civilization)
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To: Rockitz

joke bump


18 posted on 02/03/2009 1:52:59 PM PST by Luigi Vasellini (What do you call 2 toddlers and some duct tape??........muslim body armor!!!!!!!)
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To: Just another Joe; Slings and Arrows
I cannot see this comment.

I am sad.

19 posted on 02/03/2009 1:58:20 PM PST by Lazamataz (Illegal Zombies: Just Eating the Brains that Ordinary Americans Won't Eat)
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To: garyhope

A priest, a rabbi and a minister were all in a boat out in the middle of a lake. The Minister says, “I am thirsty. I will go to shore and get something to drink.”

So he gets out of the boat walks across the water to shore, gets a soda, walks back across the water, and gets back in the boat.

The minister says, “I am thirsty also. I will go to shore and get something to drink.”

So he gets out of the boat walks across the water to shore, gets a soda, walks back across the water, and gets back in the boat.

The rabbi thinks to himself “pretty cool. I will try it.” So he says, “I am thirsty also. I will go to shore and get something to drink.”

He gets out of the boat and falls in the water and drowns.

Then the priest said to the minister, “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?”


20 posted on 02/03/2009 1:59:46 PM PST by Syntyr (Voss and Woodway 77057)
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To: Lazamataz
Sad Sink
21 posted on 02/03/2009 2:00:31 PM PST by Slings and Arrows (This fiasco brought to you by the failed Obama administration.)
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To: Rockitz

So I said to my wife “what would you do if we won the lottery”?

“I’d take half of it and leave you”, she said.

“Well, I won ten bucks today; here’s your five; now f##k off!” I replied..

..And then the fight started...


22 posted on 02/03/2009 2:01:37 PM PST by Wil H (No Accomplishments, No Experience, No Resume No Records, No References, Nobama..)
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To: lilycicero; RedRover; bigheadfred

Oh, my....what can I say, but....LOL.


23 posted on 02/03/2009 2:05:43 PM PST by Girlene (Hey, Repub's: This is an entrepreneurial insurgency)
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To: Lazamataz
Apparently I am not the only one that forgot the 'a'.
I took a search for the other spelling and found lots of people referencing it.

I will remember the 'a' for all time from now forevermore.

24 posted on 02/03/2009 2:12:07 PM PST by Just another Joe (Warning: FReeping can be addictive and helpful to your mental health)
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To: Rockitz

My wife told me I was one in a million. I found out later she was right! — Rodney Dangerfield


25 posted on 02/03/2009 2:17:50 PM PST by ARepublicanForAllReasons (Give 'em hell, Sarah!)
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To: Just another Joe
Apparently I am not the only one that forgot the 'a'.

No, you're not, BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I CARE ABOUT!!!! (crying)

26 posted on 02/03/2009 2:48:19 PM PST by Lazamataz (Illegal Zombies: Just Eating the Brains that Ordinary Americans Won't Eat)
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To: KarlInOhio
I'm still doing my Daschle Dance... Me too, but why confirm the Secretary of Treasury Tim Geithner? So is it the amount they owe or is it the person who owes the amount?
27 posted on 02/03/2009 2:57:24 PM PST by blaveda (blaveda)
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To: Rockitz

bump


28 posted on 02/03/2009 3:18:21 PM PST by marvlus
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To: silverleaf
I dated a girl who had lovely brown hair that grew down her back.
Unfortunatly, none was growing on her head!
- Henny Youngman
29 posted on 02/03/2009 3:27:25 PM PST by llevrok (Feral Conservative)
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To: Girlene

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’

Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the

neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’

‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied


30 posted on 02/03/2009 4:35:01 PM PST by lilycicero (Good thing we womens do the mowing.)
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To: Girlene

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe


31 posted on 02/03/2009 4:37:55 PM PST by lilycicero (Just sayin....)
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To: Girlene; lilycicero; RedRover; nahanrac

My wife was filling out a questionnaire from the gynecologist.

She said, “I need YOUR help with this question. Does it hurt YOU when we have sex?”

I said, “Only if the light’s on.”

And that’s when the fight started...


32 posted on 02/03/2009 5:29:40 PM PST by bigheadfred (Is this a true story? I report, you decide.....)
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To: bigheadfred; lilycicero

Very funny!!!!

A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?” “I would love to.” Replied the husband. “But I don’t know her well enough.”.....

.....and then the fight started.


33 posted on 02/03/2009 5:49:31 PM PST by Girlene (Hey, Repub's: This is an entrepreneurial insurgency)
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To: Rockitz

Joan Rivers said that one night she cuddled up to her husband and asked him to “talk dirty to me”.

He said, “The kitchen, the bathroom, the living room . . .”

And then . . .


34 posted on 02/03/2009 5:56:49 PM PST by Oatka ("A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves." –Bertrand de Jouvenel)
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Comment #35 Removed by Moderator

To: Girlene; lilycicero; nahanrac; The Spirit Of Allegiance

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her anything.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the one I got you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started.....


36 posted on 02/03/2009 6:38:56 PM PST by bigheadfred (Negromancer !!! RUN for your lives !!!)
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