Accounts of exchanges: airline pilots and control towers around the world! (TOO FUNNY!)

Private Email | DECEMBER 10, 2004 | Unknown

[CHARLITE]

Accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f... ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Dashing Dasher]

Agreed!

I was interviewed on the news after that kid flew his Cessna into an office building in Tampa.

They asked me about the dangers of GA in light of what happened in Tampa...

I believe my comment was... "YES, and he BROKE A FRIGGIN' WINDOW!"

[Seaplaner]

Most are old chestnuts, but I always enjoy reading them. For another chuckle, consider the story about a 747 pilot who was just advised by Bay Approach to reduce airspeed by 20 knots

"I can't slow down that much," the pilot said, adding..."do you know the stall speed of a 747?"

To which the controller shot back..."Just ask your first officer, he should be able to tell you."

[gortklattu]

==Was that a normal landing or did we crash?"==

My Mother once asked the pilot what aircraft carrier he was on....

[DustyMoment]

The jammer pods weren't controlled by a WOW switch. In fact, even the radar didn't have one. Whenever we turned up the radar, we had to mark off an area in front of the aircraft that was the most extreme danger.

The pods weren't supposed to be turned up on the deck, but you know how that goes. Lots of stuff happens that isn't supposed to on the deck.

[RightOnline]

The fighter aircraft was single engine (like an F-16, for example). The bomber was a B-52.....has EIGHT engines. With one engine out, it would be making a seven-engine approach, in effect.........hence the fighter pilot's snide comment :).

[RightOnline]

I flew airplanes (KC-135's, to be exact) in the Strategic Air Command back in the day.

We didn't tend to go overseas much, so I thoroughly enjoyed my TDY to the UK and Spain. What I'll never forget was the personalities of the air traffic controllers over there, and how they reflected the national character.

Brits: efficient, polite, professional, good natured; one even took us down to JUST above the water and had us fly up the coast, starting at the White Cliffs of Dover, and gave us......literally.........a guided tour the whole way

French: curt, dismissive, not very helpful or informative ("You kin turn to ze left or ze right.......I do NOT care!")

Germans: fiercely efficient, by the book, authoritarian ("You vill turn LEFT, und you vill turn NOW!!!!")

Italians: Hilarious....very nice, but damned funny. The further east you fly over the Mediterranean, the worse the controllers' English gets. We were second in a two-ship formation, heading into Sicily. The tanker ahead of us requested a particular ILS approach (a type of instrument approach), and the controller comes back with "The ILS-a.......she's-a not a-working!!!!" Thought I'd DIE laughing; sounded like someone imitating an Italian, I swear. :)

[dixiechick2000]

Were you ever an instructor?
I've heard some very funny stories about that.

My husband had one tour of duty as an instructor in Pensacola.
During that time, he was training Kuwaiti pilots.
He said that is the only time he wore his oxygen mask while on the tarmac. ;o)

Then, there was the student going through the preflight.
He forgot to close the canopy.
Hubby asked if he forgot anything.
The student said, "No, sir."
Hubby told him to stick his left arm out of the cockpit, and asked what that meant.
The student said, "Left turn, sir".

lol

[RightOnline]

Left turn...............TOO funny!!!!! That made me spit my coffee all over the monitor!!!!!!!!

No, was never an instructor. I only flew for seven years, then got out. Have heard MANY such stories, though. :)

[dixiechick2000]

Having been a pilot with the SAC, you have
had very unique experiences. When you consider
that, at any given time, there are only a
very small number of people flying planes in
defense of this great country, you realize just
how unique they are.

Be proud...;o)

[RightOnline]

Thank you........and thank your husband for all of us, as well.

[chaosagent]

My favorite engineering bit on the F4 was the little windmill generator that would pop up out of the trapdoor in case you lost your main electrical bus. It would give you enough power to your instruments to get you home.

[scudpilot]

I flew C-97s through the Berlin Corridors in the early 70s
armed with a 48 inch camera taking snapshots of those airfields and other interestings sights on the ground.You can get some great pictures with a camera longer than your arm. We also had EWOs on board recording all the Russian radar signals. We would ask for our “own navigation” and wander to within 4 miles of the corridor edge to get in position to shoot the targets we wanted. Top Secret stuff-the Russians didn’t know a thing. Right. We had a photo of an airfield that had “Merry Xmas” and our squadron number plowed out of the snow on the ramp. Saw Migs all the time. Somehow managed to not get shot down. All at 190 knots.

[RVN Airplane Driver]

Actually we were hauling Mil Intel folks back and forth from Berlin. I remember the first time we were making an approach into Templehof and broke out at about 5000 msl and looked down and saw a big stadium....and then it occurred to me was the Olympic stadium of the 1936 Olympics...where Jesse Owens embarrased Hitler and his Nazi buddies with a American Negro running away with a bunch of Gold Medals.. We usually got a one night RON in Berlin....and usually took a Helicopter ride up and down the wall. I guess that was actually the first time I really understood what the cold war was all about. East sector...dull...no lights and the West sector lit up like a Christmas tree.. Seeing war first hand in Vietnam was one of life’s lessons...seeing people separated by the wall with the folks on the East having family reunions by waving to their relatives in the West was another powerful lesson. I was stationed at Sembach AB during those days....great assignment flying for NATO Intelligence....the kids in finance called me Capt TDY...one of the kids told me...you collect more TDY every month than out whole section makes. He probably wasn’t far off the truth....repetitive TDY orders in those days had huge rewards....