Posted on 12/20/2007 5:21:42 AM PST by 2ndDivisionVet
Today, I present my handy guide to choosing a presidential candidate. I call it the Asteroid Test.
Imagine this scenario: A mile-wide asteroid is hurtling toward Earth. Scientists say a collision is imminent and that it will obliterate life on the planet.
Now ask yourself this: What would each presidential candidate do? (Disregard my own candidacy, which is strictly a Flip Side
phenomenon.)
Here's how I see some of our presidential hopefuls reacting when I run through the asteroid exercise:
• Joe Biden: He would speak at great length on how to solve the crisis. His plan might not work, but the gale-force winds he generates while talking it up could steer the asteroid off course.
• Hillary Clinton: She would go on a nationwide listening tour to gather ideas, then take a position carefully calibrated to ensure that, no matter what happened, it wouldn't be her fault.
• Chris Dodd: He would say not to worry: Two decades in the U.S. Senate have taught him how to deal with a ponderous mass that drifts aimlessly.
• John Edwards: He would assure us of this: The poor and disenfranchised will suffer most in the coming extinction.
• Rudy Giuliani: There's no telling how he might react, but he would undoubtedly want to name the asteroid 9/11.
• Mike Gravel: He would continue to advocate legalization of marijuana so we could enjoy the pretty colors when the asteroid hits.
• Mike Huckabee: He would encourage us to pray -- for ourselves and perhaps for the asteroid, too. After all, it came from out of nowhere, just as he did.
• Duncan Hunter: He would say, "See? I told you we need a border fence."
• Dennis Kucinich: He would come up with a refreshingly offbeat solution to the problem while continuing to battle perceptions that he was born on an asteroid himself.
• John McCain: In a "straight-talk" address to the nation, he would warn that the asteroid must be destroyed without resorting to pork-barrel spending.
• Barack Obama: He would say we must rise above the asteroid, rather than allow it to tear us apart. People might find this vague, but they'll applaud anyway because Oprah asked them to.
• Ron Paul: He would let the free market take care of it.
• Bill Richardson: He would try to impress the asteroid with his lengthy resume and self-deprecating humor.
• Mitt Romney: He would seek to assure Christian conservatives in Iowa that, should the worst happen, he will be in the same heaven as they are.
• Tom Tancredo: He would vow to send the asteroid back where it came from, then seal the nation's borders against future attempts at illegal entry.
• Fred Thompson: He would announce his intent to mosey on down to the Pentagon and see whether the generals had any ideas about dealing with the doggone thing.
Fred would stare the asteroid down, and the asteroid would turn around and aim itself at some other planet, preferably one with muslims and illegal aliens on it.
Better Fred than dead!.........
Or he would just throw Chuck Norris AND Jack Bauer at it.
“• Fred Thompson: He would announce his intent to mosey on down to the Pentagon and see whether the generals had any ideas about dealing with the doggone thing.”
Or....
Fred would announce his interest in maybe dealing with the problem, but he’ll let us know in a few months. In the meanwhile, he’s taking a nap. Secretary of Defense Hunter and the Generals came up with a plan to destroy it, but Fred says, aw shucks guys, there’s plenty of time.
Boom.
All the Democrat candidates would blame Bush.
I don’t think candidates should use asteroids.
Rusty Griswold: Hey, ya’ got Pac Man?
Cousin Dale: No.
Rusty Griswold: Ya’ got Space Invaders?
Cousin Dale: Nope.
Rusty Griswold: Ya’ got Asteroids?
Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can’t even sit on the toilet some days.
And John Kerry, though not a candidate this time around, would point out that he served in Vietnam.
Heh, learn something new everyday!
Don’t you get rid of those with Preparation H?
John's wife would say "Let them go naked" after the asteriod hits.
LOLARMAO
Fred Thompson would say, “Damn it, McLane, I told you to stay out of the tower. This is a restricted area!” Then Bruce Willis would have to land on the asteroid himself and plant a nuclear device...wait, I think I’m mixing up two movies.
Ta-ray-za: “Bring me some raisins and rum! Quick!”
If it’s a big rock, you gotta deflect it. If it’s a missle headed for NYC, guarenteed to knocl down several bldgs. and kill millions, let it coome on in. We can’t have no missle defense!!!
Ron Paul: “Our continued presence in space has most certainly upset the asteroid. If only we were to completely pull out of space the asteroid would have no reason to want to hit us.”
But they do help to reduce swelling in the nether regions, something afflicting most of the presidential candidates...
Ass steroids? The Hildebeast flatly denies ever having used them!
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