Posted on 07/28/2015 6:09:00 AM PDT by rfreedom4u
My wife is mentally ill. I realize many men say this and most are probably kidding but in my case it is 100% true. Her illness began in 1996 after the birth of our last child. At first we were told it was post-partum depression. She was hospitalized that year several times and given various medications.
We’ve never really gone to church much but she began talking about religion quite a bit so I bought her a bible (NKJ) and she devoured it. She was reading it all the time and one day I noticed she was crossing parts out and writing in the margin. I asked her why and she stated, “It was interpreted wrong and I am writing the correct interpretation.” I asked her how she knew her interpretation was correct and she said, “I get my information from God.” This lead to numerous trips to hospitals and more meds. She also began stating that she saw angels and demons and that they spoke to her. When I inquired as to what they were telling her she said I wouldn’t understand.
In the next few years she continued to have good and bad months. She was hospitalized several times over the next few years and again given various medications and diagnoses. These went from bi-polar to schizophrenic to psychotic. She has never been violent but was very adamant that we should all become vegans. She would go so far as to attempting to capture and bug she saw in the house so that she could release it into the wild.
Since I was in the military we moved several times. Each time we arrived at a new post I had to explain to my command the situation. I could see that they didn’t really believe it was as bad as I said until she started having a bad month again. Once it got so bad that I took the kids to a hotel and had to stay away for a few days.
Over the first few years of her illness I was investigated several times because she made allegations that I was abusive to both her and the children. All of these were proved false. She was paranoid and constantly accused me of sleeping around with other women. When she is “stable” she starts to think she does not need her meds and will slowly decrease her dosage (by skipping days) and eventually will stop altogether. I will notice little things in her behavior that become big things. When she starts to talk about certain things (religion, abuse, veganism) I can tell she is off her meds. I’ve tried to reason with her and get her to her shrink as soon as possible but she will become very assertive that there is nothing wrong with her. Many times I have had her hospitalized against her will as she was a threat to herself. This was usually because she was not taking care of herself or eating. Twice she was hospitalized with suicidal tendencies and once for actually attempting suicide.
Throughout all these now 19 years I have done my best to deal with her and give the kids the best lives possible. Times of high stress are the worst for her. Just this year she lost two of her three sisters to cancer and her dad passed away last month. She is now on the downslide and I predict she will be hospitalized again within the next few weeks.
All of our children are adults now. We have been married for almost 27 years (19 of which she’s been ill). I feel so worn down and beaten from dealing with this for so long that at times I feel like just packing a bag and leaving. Perhaps become a vagabond and drift around the world. If I were to do that I know she wouldn’t last long as in her times of psychosis she places herself in dangerous situations. Once she wandered off for a week and we found her in a homeless shelter. Now we are in the Houston area and it is quite dangerous to wander about the city. This world is full of bad people.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope and no longer want to deal with this anymore. Her illness stresses me out and gets me down. I want to just leave but realize that would be the worst thing for her. The next few weeks will be hard. But I will have to make my decision to stay or leave. I know the kids will be mad if I leave her because she needs help. But at the same time they will understand because they’ve seen the hell that I’ve been through. We went through it together when they were growing up. So, do I stay or do I go? I’m not even sure what I will do. I thought writing about it would make me feel a little better and maybe help in making the decision but it hasn’t.
Sorry to read this.
I wouldn’t leave her because if you do you’ll only, at best, be living a lie. A lie that says, “I don’t care about her any more” but you do care because you love her. So it would be a lie to leave.
I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m sure it’s not. You can unite your suffering with that of Christ though, for the salvation of yourself and others. (Col 1:24). All you do is pray to God asking that your suffering be united with His Son’s on the cross. Suffering sucks, we aren’t supposed to enjoy it even though it’s an opportunity to unite with Christ. It sucks but it at least has meaning through this mystical union with Him. Embrace that, so you won’t feel like all of this is meaningless. It’s not.
I’ll keep you in prayer. I will pray your wife recognizes her medical needs too in her next “stable” moment.
My wife and I have been married 26+ years and she has been mentally ill through all of it. I know well what you are going through. My best advice to you is to keep trying therapists until you find one that she really trusts. Often the things I tell my wife (over and over) go in one ear and out the other. When the therapist she trusts tells her the same thing (like keep taking your meds) she seems to listen to him.
I know when you are at the bottom things seem hopeless. Please hang in there.
Her childhood was not good. Her mom left when she was ten (my wife is the oldest of the kids). Her dad wasn’t the greatest dad and gave them up for adoption. The couple that adopted them had issues too. The dad was a drunk and there are allegations of abuse. Her second sister was a druggie and alcoholic and ended up having 15 kids by numerous men. Her youngest sister was a lesbian. Her other sister seems fine but has had some relationship issues and drank heavily for a while.
I worked with a guy and met him at one installation, and worked at a second base with him. Totally nice character and he was level-headed. Six years pass and he comes back to the base where I was stationed....admits he has an alcohol problem and gets some help with that. Then, on some relapse, consumes a fair amount of alcohol and has some mini-stroke.
Military doctors could not figure out what he did or how his body reacted. My description would be ten-percent loss of motion in one leg and maybe twenty-five percent loss of control in one arm. Beyond that....he seemed mentally OK. Six weeks would pass and the military was consuming time to figure out what they should do with him (he had almost nineteen years in).
His wife pressed them for a rehab deal and she kinda figured out that it’d consume a year, and he’d just retire. Then apply for disability after retirement.
What I noticed at the six week point though...he was not himself, and was acting like you describe your wife...a totally different person. He could be intelligent and charming one day, and the next be hooked up with another woman (not his wife).
A year would pass...they’d give him the twenty-year retirement and he applied for disability. He had serious issues in walking, and had to always be within six minutes of a bathroom. He was losing control of himself and I don’t see how the wife kept staying with the guy.
In your case....I’d read over bi-polar because it sounds an awful lot like that. Course, the issue is that they always seem to think the meds are bad for them and want to quit...which means they turn into the freaky nut that you can’t stay around. I’d have a lot of patience, but I’d admit that after ten years of this and no change...I just wouldn’t be able to stay on...I’d probably pack up the car and go find some place in Iowa to just hide out and rebuild a life on. There’s a point where you have to admit defeat, and an individual has to see the overwhelming burden of trying to keep someone on a straight line.
Friend stay with her.
Help her every way you possibly can. Stay in the battle, don’ t give up now.
Thd first thing you need to deal with is your own spiritual condition.
Are you a Christian? Are you trusting in Jesus Christ righteousness alone for your slavation? If you are I suggest you study the book of Job. Your commitment to your wife will be rewarded.
In any case don’t abandon your wife. Recruit friends and family to help you.
I have some friends in Houston. I will mail you.
Just curious, is your wife active on social media?
Since you do have a computer in your home, when did your wife start using it?
I know you might think these are silly questions but many people can not handle the internet and some are entirely addicted to facebook and other social media.
It really can drive a person insane if not mentally balanced.
Do you think she will ever get any better?
Honestly? No I don’t. With medication she can and has had long periods of sanity and life was great. But like a boat at sea the storms will come....
For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health... Wasn’t that part in your promise before Jehovah?
I see it from the other way around - I wound up with pretty severe physical problems, culminating in my wife leaving me - Such a bitter betrayal.
And you leave her to burden your kids instead of you, right?
JMO.
Ok...I feel your stress brother....
So my first question to you is:
Did you mean your vows?
2nd is....do you love her?
If the answers to 1&2 are yes...then it is your duty to figure out how to help her....
I know the stress of trying to save a marraige and holding a family together...I put 4 years into trying to save my marraige after my wife went through a crisis and cheated after 25 yrs...
What I found out was.....you cant save someone else if they dont want to be saved....
I know it feels terrible to think you havent done enough...or the right thing.....you have taken on a role as provider,protector, and care giver....it’s what any man worth his salt will do as a husband....
If she is ok on her meds...then you have to help keep her on her meds....
If she refuses to do so...and she gets worse...that isnt on you...it’s on her...
You need to catch her in a lucid moment..stress free..and simply talk about your feelings...
If you cant handle taking care of her....bow out...but you have to know that without you...she might go off the deep end.
That is a choice you have to make for yourself....how much are you willing to put with out of love, duty, and responsibilty.
If you are done...you are done....and you have to make that break guilt free or it will will tear you up for years.
I guess my point is....what are you willing to live it and if it that bad...how much are you willing to sacrifice to keep taking care of her?
I miss my wife dearly...and I know she is screwing up her life....but I cant control that....I can only deal with it...I had to let her go....it hurts but I am better for it.
How much are you willing to deal with is the question.
Prayers up for you. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Caregivers truly need support. I found a link that might be helpful. I know you have dealt with her illness for years, but YOU need support. Often caregivers neglect themselves.
http://www.psychiatry.org/mental-health/people/caregivers
I pray for peace, guidance, and strength for you and your family.
(1) Keep trying with medical doctors, getting second and third opinions, and even trying nutritionally oriented doctors. As to mental illness, sometimes things work for a time and then fail, but then a new medicine or therapy can be found that works. Also make sure that there are no aggravating physical issues, like dietary intolerances, nutritional deficiencies, or a GI illness.
(2) Check your legal options as to how to get a civil commitment order. Your wife may be best off in well-chosen residential care. Finding a way to arrange and afford that will not be easy.
(3) For your sake, somehow, every week, find a way to take a break from the burden of your circumstances for a few hours. Go to a movie. Meet friends for dinner. Take a walk in a park. Anything to take a break. That will mean finding someone to care of your wife for that time. You will be surprised at how helpful such breaks can be to your peace of mind and resilience.
He may not give you a direct answer, or cure your wife, but He can provide the peace you have been longing for.
I pray today, right now, that you might turn to Jesus.
For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health... Wasn’t that part in your promise before Jehovah?
Yes it was. I’m not superman. Where is my breaking point? Am I supposed to stay until I reach it? At that point she will be lost. But if I leave she will be lost sooner. It’s a double edged sword.
I feel for you and your trying situation FRiend.
You’ve absolutely got to find a way to get support yourself and take care of yourself first. The old saying about putting on your own oxygen mask first before you help others is true.
Prayers for you.
gotten down on your knees and asked Jesus for help?
Absolutely! I used to pray for Him to help me and nothing happened. Then one day I started praying for Him to help her and things got much better. But now it’s slipping into the same old pattern.
Your wife has definitely had a very sad and trying life. What bothers me is you have never been given a definitive diagnosis... Bipolar is very different from Schizophrenia. I am so sorry, rfreedom4u. When your wife is medicated and more “normal”.. have you discussed that she HAS to keep taking the meds? I just keep thinking that some sort of counseling for the two of you wouldn’t hurt. If the counselor can make it clear that she has to keep taking the medications or her marriage is at risk.. would that help matters?
Do you have a support group ? Church? Mental health ? People who are dealing with similar problem. A member of our family initially spent time in an assisted living and eventually had a studio appartment under control of mental health center. Check with your local offices for a social worker to help you.
People in the group had to divorce to get the financial help needed but still visit and involve individual in family activities (particularly the holidays)
Again talk to your local mental health group and get assigned a social worker to advise you
I have a good friend who is bipolar and she talks to me a lot about it. (I guess I am her gay friend even though I am not gay). Bipolar is wide swings. When they swing to the good, it is awesome. When they swing to the bad, it is terrible. The meds force them into the middle. That’s good except they miss that swing to the good. So they go off the meds thinking “I’ll swing good but if I swing bad, I’ll go back on the meds”. But they swing bad, go into their dirty hole and don’t take the meds.
find a way to take a break
I’d love to. But I have no friends in the area as I am always dealing with her. If I am not with her she is constantly accusing me of cheating. So I go to work and come home. The only break I get is when I take our grandson somewhere. I am very thankful that he is around!
You deserves some happiness and most of all peace.
You have to ask if yourself if you will get peace if you leave (and of course you cannot know).
The mentally ill often use their illness to manipulate you into staying ... so there is that to consider. Plus I am sure you love her and times were not all bad.
You have been a good husband sticking with her all these years.
This is a really tough call. I don’t know what you should do but I will pray for you both. Reach out for help (as you have done here). Don’t try to do this alone. It was very brave of you to post this.
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