ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference

Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

[ArGee]

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."

[Monkey Face]

I’ll have some tea, thanks, then I’m going to lie down and watch TV until my eyes slam shut.

Maybe the worst of what I’m dealing with will pass sooner.

[Covenantor]

Amazing what a few cups of coffee do to kitties.

[Monkey Face]

So funny! Thanks! :o]

[Monkey Face]

*tagline*

[Darksheare]

Kardashians are the Pokemon hunters of the STD world, gotta catch em all.

[moose07]

Don’t forget to wear hazmat kit if you snap open a stupid person, that stuff is dangerous!

[Monkey Face]

If it's contagious, I'll let one of my neighbors snap them...she voted for Ovomit twice and now wants to vote for Trump. I'll watch from a safe distance!

[Monkey Face]

I wouldn’t touch a Kardashian with someone else’s 10’ pole.

[moose07]

“Dissolving into a pool of molten stupid is not a nice way to go....best wear a welder’s mask the light show can get a bit intense. :)

[Covenantor]

Well, the break and shake method of enlightment illuminates the dummy for a short period after which dummy goes cold and dark for eternity, one of the undead, lusting for brains.

Best to use napalm....

[moose07]

Cold, dark and incredibly dense.

[Monkey Face]

Filled with more of the same...

Folks like my neighbor would implode if she read any thread on FR, and that’s the truth!

[NicknamedBob]

3333

[Covenantor]

You just did that because Mardi Gras!

trow dem de beads!

[Monkey Face]

I actually wanted that, but I wasn’t feeling well, so I missed it.

[NoCmpromiz]

my neighbor would implode if she read any thread on FR

All the more reason to bless her with a daily (or more frequent) email with www.freerepublic.com as the message.. ;-)

[fanfan]

Both ways.
You know it.

[Tax-chick]

[Covenantor]

So it is true that wookie babies have blue eyes at birth....

[Tax-chick]

LOL!