~THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD~

[Lucky9teen]

And then I read this....

On January 1, 400 new federal laws took effect. Meanwhile, state legislatures passed 29,000 bills and resolutions, many of which came into force on the first of the year. Local government added thousands of new laws.

Ignorance is no excuse, so start cramming on all the weird new regulations you have to follow as of Tuesday:

1. In California, it's now unlawful to let a dog pursue a bear or bobcat at any time. Previously, exceptions had been made for hunting. Bad news for dogs, good news for bears and bobcats.

2. The new laws aren't just about banning things! Florida law revised the term "motor vehicle" to exclude swamp buggies, deregulating the primary mode of transportation in that state.

3. In an assault on the civil rights of crazy cat ladies, residents of Wellington, Kansas are now limited to no more than four cats per household. The hope is that restricting ownership will lower the town's burgeoning cat population.

4. Fun news: Illinoisans under 21 can drink alcohol now! Less fun: They have to be enrolled in a culinary program to do so.

5. Film producers in California must have permission from a pediatrician before filming a child under the age of one month. Suddenly, Real Infants of Newport Beach looks less likely to be green-lit.

6. In the category of "how the hell wasn't this illegal already," California prison workers will no longer be allowed to have sex with inmates.

7. Sex offenders in Illinois are banned from distributing candy on Halloween or playing Santa or the Easter Bunny.

8. No more "popping wheelies" on motorcycles in Illinois, but they can run a red light if the coast is clear.

9. Don't steal grease in North Carolina. Those who steal more than $1,000 worth of grease can be found guilty of a felony. It's the kind of overcompensation that happens when your state doesn't have mineral or gas deposits.

If all this sounds like things you did on New Year's Eve, I hope you had fun. No more such hijinks in 2013.

[Izzy Dunne]

We're ready for OFST !

[Izzy Dunne]

I'm ready for OFST !

[ArGee]

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: How do you make musicians complain?
A: Pay them.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

[Izzy Dunne]

Q. What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?

A. No one cries when you take out a knife and cut up the accordion.

[Izzy Dunne]

I came back into rehearsal room, just to find the bass player and the drummer fighting tooth and nail.

I broke it up and asked them what the problem was.

The bass player said: "He reached over and de-tuned one of my strings !"

"So what?" I said. "just tune it back up".

The bass player said "But he won't tell me which one!"

[ArGee]

Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded: you don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building?
Who cares?

Banjo players are a lot like sharks: they think they have to keep playing or they will sink.

What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
You can tune a Harley.

[Izzy Dunne]

We're ready for OFST!

[txhurl]

OFST ready!

Let's roll... downhill?

[Buckeye McFrog]

I predict 7000 culinary academies will suddenly spring-up in Illinois before Halloween.

[Twotone]

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linquistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”

[ArGee]

With my sincerest apologies to Herbert Kretzmer, lyricist for "Les Miserables".

Speaker of the House

Speaker of the House
Isn't worth my spit.
Coward. Rank surrender-er, and lifelong sh**!
Cunning little brain,
Regular voltaire.
Think's he's a dealmaker but there's not much there.

What a cruel trick of nature
Leaving us with such a louse.
God knows how we've lasted living with this b@stard in the house.

[ArGee]

[ArGee]

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

“3. In an assault on the civil rights of crazy cat ladies, residents of Wellington, Kansas are now limited to no more than four cats per household. The hope is that restricting ownership will lower the town’s burgeoning cat population.”

There’s a similar law here in San Jose, CA. It doesn’t mention cats specifically, but San Jose residents are limited to five pets (of all kinds) per household. I guess the above law is another example of how the rest of the country is being Californicated...

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

I learned the hard way when a pretty young bank teller asks, “Is there anything else I can do for you?” the appropriate response is NOT “Take off your blouse.”

Anyone know a good attorney?

[pikachu]

Meanwhile in Russia

[Lady Jag]

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None; they just steal someone else’s light.

How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why bother? The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four; one to hold up the bulb and the other three to spin him on his throne.

How many lead vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?
One; he holds up the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How many sound guys does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two... one, two... one, two...

[ArGee]

19 things never to say at work (that you'd like to say):

19. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
18. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
17. Chaos, panic and disorder — my work here is done.
16. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
15. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
13. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
12. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
7. You!… Off my planet!
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
4. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
2. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

And the number 1 think you shouldn't say ...

1. And your crybaby whiny-a$$ed opinion would be…?

[Old Sarge]

"Walmartian"! Gotta remember that one!