Is everyone ready for summer?
Posted on 06/07/2013 6:16:00 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Yeah, but you live in a place where the mercury actually freezes in the winter.
Somebody SO needs to re-do that video with the woman complaining, “He didn’t tell me when he gave me the phone that he was gonna lissin into my calls!”
POLITICALLY INCORRECT
I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance’, with a face like that!
A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks ‘What’s wrong, lad?’ The boy says ‘Me ma died this morning.’ ‘Oh bejaysus,’ The man says. ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.’
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake.
How things change as one gets older. When I was a teenager, I worked 10 hours a day all summer in tobacco fields in coastal NC and the heat and humidity didn’t bother me.
Now that I’m in my 50’s, I start sweating when it’s 70 degrees.
And don’t forget, they know how to pronounce Sahuarita! And Ft. Huachuca!
I love the Fish Song! At one time, my son had it memorized...
Little Johnny
Little Johnny meets Barack Obama............
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy.’
So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy.’
One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Obama, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained Obama. “That’s what we would call great loss.”
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room.
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Obama. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss..., and you can bet your ass it wouldn’t be an accident either!”
The teacher fainted.
CONFUCIUS did not say
* Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
* Passionate kiss, like spider web, Leads to undoing of fly.
* Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
* Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
* Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
* Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
* War does not determine who is right; It determines who is left.
* Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.
* It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
* Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
* Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
* Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
HOWEVER, CONFUCIUS DID SAY . . . .
* A Lion will not cheat on his wife, But a TIGER WOOD!
Air you can drink and water you can’t.
It’s pretty sad when you hang your clean clothes outside to dry at 0700 and by 1900, they are wetter than when you took them out.
You're kidding right? While I lived there it was "bright and overcast" 300 out of 365 days.
CONFUCIUS SAY: Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on desk.
I would bet that you left out a "t". And yes, there is more than one person and fewer than 2,000,000 people in those stands. But we are expanding...
yeah.. can’t leave a mercury thermometer outside in the winter or it’ll implode.
the digital thermometer in my car scared me a couple years ago, when i was driving down south. i though it must’ve been broken because the negative sign was sideways.
manufacturing is hard up here, you still have to heat metals to cold forge them.. but on the plus side, if you want to cryogenically process metal, just leave it outside over night.
Yes, there was no t. But there was coffee.
And you win the bet (I’ve used this in bars and have won a few beers with it.)
Prince of Darkness jokes at post #31.
IIRC, that one didn’t.
He must have been a crappy contractor...
I thought those were called port-a-potty contractors.
And I can see why they wouldn’t like the architects.
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world. “I am entering” said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya do? “ First Place ,” said Snow White...and Pinocchio and Superman congratulated Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.” “I’m entering,” says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?” “ First Place ,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?” Again, congratulations from the other two.
They continue walking when they see a sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?” Pinocchio says “this is mine” Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. “What happened?” asked Snow White and Superman. “Who the hell is Obama?” asked Pinocchio.
Gesundheit!
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