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I need fifty JOKES for the TROOPS in Iraq and Afghanistan by tomorrow night!
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1273305/posts ^ | 11-28-04 | patriciaruth

Posted on 11/28/2004 4:59:45 PM PST by patriciaruth

I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and

I need some fun jokes to go in them!

Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.

I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.


TOPICS: Announcements; Foreign Affairs; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: afghanistan; army; band; care; carepackage; carepackages; christmas; christmasiniraq; funnies; funny; funnyjokes; humor; humorthread; iraq; joke; jokes; joking; justkidding; kidding; kirkuk; merry; merrybandofpatriots; military; package; patriot; patriots; pkg; soldier; soldiers; supportourtroops; troop; troops; troopsupport
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The latest threads of our Merry Band of Patriots are

Christmas cards and letters for our Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan

Care packages and Thank-you Notes for our Troops in Afghanistan

Christmas for our Troops in Kirkuk

WRITE A THANK YOU NOTE TO A SOLDIER IN IRAQ THIS MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND

1 posted on 11/28/2004 4:59:45 PM PST by patriciaruth
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To: Kathy in Alaska; RedWing9; MJY1288; esther2; Left_Coast_Conservative; lonestargal; lonestar; ...

Ping.


2 posted on 11/28/2004 5:00:55 PM PST by patriciaruth (They are all Mike Spanns)
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To: patriciaruth

Try jokes.com


3 posted on 11/28/2004 5:01:34 PM PST by brewcrew
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To: eastsider; TomServo; vetvetdoug; ElectricStrawberry; stompk; Laura Earl; RightthinkinAmerican; ...

Ping.


4 posted on 11/28/2004 5:01:54 PM PST by patriciaruth (They are all Mike Spanns)
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To: patriciaruth

Jokes: Anything to do with the Kerry Campaign - all the "caption this photo" threads here about Kerry.


5 posted on 11/28/2004 5:02:07 PM PST by DTogo (U.S. out of the U.N. & U.N out of the U.S.)
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To: patriciaruth
What's brown & black, and would look great on Hillary?

A rottweiler.
6 posted on 11/28/2004 5:02:08 PM PST by Keith in Iowa (Democrats: Tolerant of all people and opinions. Except me & mine - Conservative, Christian.)
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To: patriciaruth

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Because he was stapled to the chicken.


7 posted on 11/28/2004 5:02:53 PM PST by 2Jedismom (Expect me when you see me!)
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To: patriciaruth

Send them the organizational chart of the Kerry/Edwards 04 campaign--there's at least 50 jokes right there.


8 posted on 11/28/2004 5:03:09 PM PST by Petronski (One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble, not much between despair and ecstasy.)
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To: patriciaruth

have you pinged tomkow?


9 posted on 11/28/2004 5:03:12 PM PST by mylife
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To: patriciaruth

Check out "strangecosmos.com"


10 posted on 11/28/2004 5:03:15 PM PST by Thebaddog (Dawgs at rest.)
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To: patriciaruth

What's brown and sounds like a bell?




DUNG!


11 posted on 11/28/2004 5:03:51 PM PST by Petronski (One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble, not much between despair and ecstasy.)
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To: DTogo

Like these:

You May Be A Redneck If...

Your wedding invitaions say "Same time, same place."

You park in handicapped spaces based on your SAT score.

You list dogs as dependants on your tax forms.

Your taxidermist also does your taxes.

You love lard sandwiches.

You've ever let your dog baby-sit your kids.

Your security system is the latch on your screen door.

Most of your prayers involve winning a sporting event.

You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them at your bug zapper.

Your financial planner told you to buy lottery tickets.

The flowers in your bridal bouquet were plastic.

There are more things growing in your refrigerator than in your yard.

Your favorite restaurant has sawdust on the floor.

You've ever left a bingo game in handcuffs.

Your favorite recipe includes Vienna sausages.

You've ever put a race car on a prayer list.

You've ever had a dream about beef jerky.

You've used a barstool as a walker.

You're driving a vehicle that has no original body parts.

You flush the toilet and the dog thinks you're giving him fresh water.

You think your dashboard is the best pace to keep your hats.

You and your mom have the same sister-in-law.

You missed sex education class because your baby was sick.


12 posted on 11/28/2004 5:03:54 PM PST by patriciaruth (They are all Mike Spanns)
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To: patriciaruth

I saw this blond girl in the grocery standing for 50 minutes staring at a half gallon of orange juice. I walked up to her and asked what she was doing. She replied the container said "concentrate".


13 posted on 11/28/2004 5:04:36 PM PST by Time is now (We'll live to see it......or something like it....)
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Comment #14 Removed by Moderator

To: patriciaruth
I was 'sitting down' at a restaurant bathroom...
I was barely enthroned, when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom,
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that?
At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me,
but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
15 posted on 11/28/2004 5:04:58 PM PST by 45semi (Man has only those rights he can defend...)
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To: patriciaruth

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount
item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is
teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at
an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine",said Kathy
Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat
(Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).


16 posted on 11/28/2004 5:05:14 PM PST by mad_as_he$$ ("Sure is a nice day for making things right." Boss Spearman. NSDQ, De Opresso Libre)
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To: patriciaruth

What's invisible and smells like bananas?

Monkey burps.


17 posted on 11/28/2004 5:05:30 PM PST by RobFromGa (End the Filibuster for Judicial appointments in January 05)
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To: patriciaruth

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."


18 posted on 11/28/2004 5:05:41 PM PST by Oblongata
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To: Time is now

I met this blond girl that was so dumb she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept...


19 posted on 11/28/2004 5:07:07 PM PST by Time is now (We'll live to see it......or something like it....)
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To: patriciaruth

Just sent you one about the frantic left-wingers heading for Canada.


20 posted on 11/28/2004 5:07:32 PM PST by Temple Owl (19064)
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To: patriciaruth
Not exactly a 'joke' but you could print out these:



"Republican Baby"



"Soldier under Duress"
21 posted on 11/28/2004 5:08:15 PM PST by the_gospel_of_thomas (Know your Enemy and Know yourself)
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To: patriciaruth
Q: Why did California get all the high-paid liberal trial lawyers and New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps?

A: New Jersey got 1st pick.

22 posted on 11/28/2004 5:08:35 PM PST by Hat-Trick (Do you trust a government that cannot trust you with guns?)
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To: patriciaruth

I'm no good with jokes, but there are dozens of FReepers who are.


23 posted on 11/28/2004 5:08:59 PM PST by Darksheare (I have friends, and I have co-conspirators.)
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To: Time is now

I met his blond that was so dumb she thought Taco Bell was the Mexican phone company...


24 posted on 11/28/2004 5:09:06 PM PST by Time is now (We'll live to see it......or something like it....)
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To: patriciaruth

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.

"Mama. Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."


25 posted on 11/28/2004 5:09:27 PM PST by SwatTeam
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To: patriciaruth

Play the Today Show feed the day after the election; there were more than 50 jokes and Cady's performance art (where she looked like she was passing a large pine cone) was priceless.


26 posted on 11/28/2004 5:09:51 PM PST by Porterville (It's time to get mine)
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To: patriciaruth

I can't ever remember jokes, but there are a lot of great jokes over on the "Backwoods Home" website under the humor section of the home page, good clean jokes.


27 posted on 11/28/2004 5:09:53 PM PST by Twinkie
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To: patriciaruth


Q: What do you call Senator Kerry -- after he finds out Araf's widow is worth $billions?

A: 'Eligible.'

:)


28 posted on 11/28/2004 5:10:42 PM PST by 4Liberty (The price of Liberty is personal responsibility.)
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To: patriciaruth
Hear about the carrot that died?

There was a big turnip at the funeral.

29 posted on 11/28/2004 5:10:44 PM PST by Colosis
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To: patriciaruth

long and poor taste, but here's one:



Dear Sir or Ma'am:

I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18.22 clearly states it to be an
abomination to God.

However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how best to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25.44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21.7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of uncleanness (Leviticus15.19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. (Leviticus 1.9) The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35.2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus11.10), it is a lesser abomination than others. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?

7. Leviticus.21.20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus19.27. How should they die?

9. I know from Leviticus 11.6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean. May I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19.19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/poly blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24.10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, as we do with people who are caught breaking other laws? (Leviticus 20.14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Yours truly,
An Inquiring Supporter

P.S. I look forward to your answers because there are a number of other issues that I'd like to get settled as soon as you've enlightened me on these ... Thanks again.


30 posted on 11/28/2004 5:11:07 PM PST by JockoManning
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To: patriciaruth; All
Actually, this page is a HOOT:



That is just ONE photograph, make sure to see them all.

CLick on the photo to go to the page "Why women live longer than men (A photo contest) "
31 posted on 11/28/2004 5:11:11 PM PST by the_gospel_of_thomas (Know your Enemy and Know yourself)
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To: mylife
Or like this one:

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men.

Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the time of writing of this letter, a friend of mine has already received 189 women, of whom four were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.
An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the bottom of the list below!

> > Bill Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Billy Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Billie Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > B. Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> >
> > William Jefferson Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > W. Jefferson Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > W. Jeff Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > W. J. Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > W. Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > William J Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Wilhelm Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Willie Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Will Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Mr. Hillary Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017
> >
> > Mr. Slick Willie Clinton
> > 780 3rd Ave
> > New York, NY 10017

32 posted on 11/28/2004 5:11:21 PM PST by patriciaruth (They are all Mike Spanns)
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To: patriciaruth

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"


33 posted on 11/28/2004 5:11:28 PM PST by Peach (The Clintons pardoned more terrorists than they ever captured or killed)
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To: patriciaruth

There's nothing worse than a doctor's snooty receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. Most of us have experienced this, here is the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't pee out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.


34 posted on 11/28/2004 5:11:47 PM PST by Trepz
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To: Time is now

Good one!


35 posted on 11/28/2004 5:11:54 PM PST by patriciaruth (They are all Mike Spanns)
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To: the_gospel_of_thomas
Easy: they don't have wives.

Why women live longer than men

36 posted on 11/28/2004 5:12:29 PM PST by Salo
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To: patriciaruth

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder.

She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.



At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.



"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.



Where upon the old lady answers, "we just love the chocolate around them."


37 posted on 11/28/2004 5:12:35 PM PST by SwatTeam
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To: Time is now

A blonde walks into a bar... "ouch!"


38 posted on 11/28/2004 5:12:45 PM PST by steveo (Member: Fathers Against Rude Television)
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To: Baynative

Excellent!


39 posted on 11/28/2004 5:12:47 PM PST by patriciaruth (They are all Mike Spanns)
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To: patriciaruth
Red neck comes home and finds his wife passed out on the floor. He calls 9-1-1. He tells the operator and she asks what street they live on. He says East Susquehanna. She asks him "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause he replies, "Aw forget it, I'll drag her up to Maple Street".
40 posted on 11/28/2004 5:13:09 PM PST by Time is now (We'll live to see it......or something like it....)
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To: patriciaruth

snort ;^)


41 posted on 11/28/2004 5:13:40 PM PST by mylife
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To: patriciaruth



Two Los Angeles blondes are gazing at the moon. One asks the other, "Which do you think is closer -- the moon or Florida?"

The other one says: "Duh! Can you SEE Florida?!"


42 posted on 11/28/2004 5:13:48 PM PST by 4Liberty (The price of Liberty is personal responsibility.)
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To: patriciaruth

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."


43 posted on 11/28/2004 5:14:10 PM PST by Peach (The Clintons pardoned more terrorists than they ever captured or killed)
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To: mad_as_he$$

My brother sent that to me a couple weeks ago. I lost it.

THANK YOU!


44 posted on 11/28/2004 5:14:22 PM PST by patriciaruth (They are all Mike Spanns)
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To: patriciaruth
I don't know if these qualify as "jokes", but you're welcome to use them, or not.

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fire - doesn't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
The enemy attacks on two occasions: when he's ready and when you're not.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds.
Never share a fighting hole with anyone braver than yourself.
When your attack is going really well, its an ambush.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready and when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a fighting hole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front and you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
The cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.
Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball game?
How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.
The enemy "always" times his attack to the second you drop your pants in the latrine.
The ammo you need NOW is on the "next" airdrop.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.

45 posted on 11/28/2004 5:14:38 PM PST by asgardshill (November 2004 - The Month That Just Kept On Giving)
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To: Baynative

A mexican firefighter had twins, and called them Jose and Hose B.


46 posted on 11/28/2004 5:15:15 PM PST by expatpat
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To: patriciaruth

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"


47 posted on 11/28/2004 5:15:35 PM PST by Peach (The Clintons pardoned more terrorists than they ever captured or killed)
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To: patriciaruth
One sunny day in 2005, an old man wearing a VFW hat approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."


The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine again told the veteran, respectfully, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Sir, see you tomorrow, Sir!"
48 posted on 11/28/2004 5:15:41 PM PST by eyespysomething ("Life has a flavor the protected will never know...." Major Jason Muldoon)
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To: patriciaruth

Q: What did the cannibal do after he ate the Penicostal missionary?
A: He threw up his arms.


Q: What's the name of the existentialists' fraternity at Harvard?
A: Signa Phi Nothing.



49 posted on 11/28/2004 5:15:52 PM PST by Ahithophel (Padron@Anniversario)
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To: patriciaruth

Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?
A. Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?
A: Turkey.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common ?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !

Q: What is the best Iraqi job ?
A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.

Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo ?
A: B-52...F-16...A-10

Q: What is Iraq's national bird ?
A: Duck

Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats ?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss ?
A: He elected to receive.

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map....


50 posted on 11/28/2004 5:16:23 PM PST by Peach (The Clintons pardoned more terrorists than they ever captured or killed)
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