SOUTHERN ADVICE

Mason Dixon | long ago | common knowledge

[RedBloodedAmerican]

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Edwin Edwards.

The North has an ambulance .. The South has an am-a-lance.

The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.

The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters .. The South has crawfish.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

[Humidston]

Nahhhh, in Queens you were almost a city boy! We were waaaay out there on the North Fork in Aquebogue (just east of Riverhead). Now THAT'S out on Lowng Island!

[TexasCowboy]

"if your bud is from a state north of yours ... well, he's a Yankee!"

In South Louisiana the people who live north of I-10 are Yankees.

[alnick]

That's cute. But as a native of South Louisiana, I do have to say that we use "y'all" only in the plural. We do use "you" for the singular.

I remember seeing Johnny Carson ask a southerner if "y'all" was singular or plural, and I thought that that was such a dumb question. "Y'all" is a contraction for you all, which is obviously plural.

I don't know why I remember that; it was years ago. :-)

[alnick]

She said, and I think it holds up over time, that the #1 Southern identifying phrase isn't y'all, but "fixin' to"

I've noticed that the blacks down here shorten "fixin' to" even further to "f'in'a."

[rogue yam]

In South Louisiana the people who live north of I-10 are Yankees.

Darn right they are! You ever been up there? They got dry parishes an all kinda stuff. That just ain't right!

[alnick]

opps I meant crabs

You haven't tasted a crab until you've eaten boiled crabs in South Louisiana. Yum!

[alnick]

but a real bakker chewing redneck says "fiddin to" lol

Yes, and "business" is "bidness."

[LNewman]

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

I'm right THERE with that! In So. Cal. we are LOUSEY with KITTENS, oven and otherwise. It's base stupid.

NOW ... motoring on to be FLAMEworthy. ;)

BLESS YOUR HEART

A Southerner can get away with the most awful insult, just as long as it is accompanied by the words "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, " If they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six-lane highway, bless his heart." Or, "She's so bucktoothed, she could eat an apple through a picket fence, bless her heart."

It ain't mine though I concur. It's attributed to Celia Rivenbark ... something that was forwarded and pertinent.

[alnick]

We spent two years on Lowng Island and people there crack me up because they all tawlk like Joey Buttafuccio

Off topic, but I saw a bit on SNL today where the news person said, "What do you get when you cross Joey Buttafucco with a college education?" Then they showed a picture of Bill Clinton.

[humblegunner]

One thing everyone needs to remember:
"Y'all" is singular.. "All Y'all" is plural.
'Nuff said.

[Arioch7]

You are correct. The Northeast is a painfully left-wing place. I fight them, I hate them, and I try to beat them. I do not think I will be succesfull but the fight is worth it.

I am surprised that many of you Southerners don't know about the stereotypes they hold against you. I disagre with almost all of them and I did live in the South for four years. I love it.

I know I am fighting a losing battle up here but I still fight it. My question is... why does the South still vote Democrat?

I have already stated that I despise Massachusetts. THat does not mean I like so called "Conservative" Southern states that vote Dem. In fact, I hold the South to a higher standard and they have failed. The South kicked ass in the last election, let's see what happens now.

Any Southerner that believes the DNC represents the best interests of the South is INSANE.

You tell me you hate the North (And I agree with you.), but then vote Dem!?!?!

You can speak all you want about how great the South is... let us see what they do.

[txhurl]

Here's a fun trick to play on a Southerner. You know where 'Bubba' and 'Lizzie Jo' stickers are placed on either side of the truck window, where they sit?

Go change out 'Lizzie Jo' for 'Amanda' or whoever the driver is rumored to be sampling and watch all hell break loose - extra points if the truck carries a shotgun.

[dixiechick2000]

"Well, there IS didinit?"

I checked the thread.

Except for your post, ididn here.

[dixiechick2000]

"I'm fixin to go over to momma-an-nems to eat supper."

How's your momma-an-nem?

[humblegunner]

In South Louisiana the people who live north of I-10 are Yankees.

I thought that formula worked in Texas, too!!!

If'n you hadn't had biscuits & gravy for breakfast, y'all some damn yankees.

[humblegunner]

How's your momma-an-nem?

An' what's your Mama's name, sugah?

[goosie]

When visiting my sister, a FReeper wholives in eastern NC, we stopped at a gas station that had "Vend-O-Bait." I swear, a vending machine with worms in it.

Also, you is singular and Y'all is plural.

[aberaussie]

M R Ducks? M R Not Ducks.

O S A R

C M Itty bitty wangs?

[RikaStrom]

LOL!

I can hear Jeff Foxworthy now!

[Capriole]

Yeah, I think this was written by some Yanqi trying to be cute and show his insight into Southern culture or some damn thing. Yankees like to laugh at us. At least this is good-natured ribbing.