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(AP) Nairobi, Nigeria -- Prince Alab Swalahari was found dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound in his palace in Nairobi on Tuesday. A note next to his body stated that he was despondent that no one would accept his attempt to give away his vast riches. His brother explained, "Alab had converted to Christianity quite some time ago. All he was trying to do was live a Christ-like life! Christ commands us to give our money to the poor. He tried for over 15 years, sending people emails to give away his money, but all he got back was mockery...

A study by Mark Perry, a scholar at the American Enterprise Institute and professor of economics and finance at the University of Michigan, should give pause to advocates of democratic socialism in the United States. According to the study, the more socialistic economic policies of western European countries has both retarded output and boosted the cost of living. The index of average individual consumption for the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development is set at 100. Inhabitants in nations falling below this mark can afford less than the average European. Inhabitants in nations exceeding this mark can afford more. The...

TALLAHASSEE, FL (API) – The University of Florida’s 41-14 trouncing of Florida State at Doak Campbell Stadium on Saturday saddened many Seminole football fans, but at least one was angry at the way the Gators defeated FSU. “The Gators acted like Nazis,” said Representative-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “I was appalled at the way they beat those poor Seminoles, who like the Jews in Germany in 1939 were only trying to escape with their lives. “When we’re finally sworn in at Congress I can assure you that we will open an investigation into this horrible Third Reich-like massacre and I wouldn’t...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Melania Trump is causing controversy yet again, this time for decorating the White House with the skulls of her decapitated enemies. While past first ladies have decorated the White House with traditional Christmas wreaths, trees, holly, and lights, Trump opted to mount the heads of her slain foes throughout the executive residence "as a warning." "Did she go too far?" one pundit on CNN pondered. "I gotta say, these heads don't exactly say 'peace' and 'love' like a good, old-fashioned wreath would, you know?" Speaking to reporters, the First Lady commented, "The skulls bring out the festive joy of...

The recently released rules for White House press conference participants were excoriated by MSNBC talking head Chuck Todd as “absurd.” Under the announced rules each member of the press will be expected to yield the floor to another member of the press corps after asking a question unless the President, Press Secretary, or other official conducting the press conference allows a follow-up question, after which the questioner will be expected to yield the floor to a colleague. “Insisting that we politely take turns is treating us like children,” Todd complained. “I mean, it’s not as if any member of the...

(Satire) GRANTS PASS, OR—Scientists have finally discovered the primary cause of global warming: local kid Oliver Paulson, who left the front door wide open dozens of times while the heater was on this past weekend. Every time the boy runs inside from playing, he leaves the front door open, and it looks like we're all going to pay the price from his carelessness. "Are we heating the whole neighborhood!?" his father bellowed Saturday afternoon after Paulson dashed inside. Little did his dad know that they were actually heating not only the whole neighborhood, but also the entire world. "Someone around...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A turkey recently pardoned by President Trump was found dead after claiming to have dirt on the Clintons, sources at the FBI confirmed Monday. The official cause of death was suicide, though the bullet wounds were in the back of the turkey's head and the bird lacked opposable thumbs with which to operate a firearm. The turkey had been publicly pardoned for the crime of being delicious and set free by Trump in a popular White House Thanksgiving tradition. Shortly after being released, the turkey confirmed its possession of "credible" information that would lead to the indictment of Hillary...

Eyeing a potential 2020 run against President Trump, Ohio Gov. John Kasich (R) took a dramatic left turn in his final months in office. Persuaded that his “everyone needs a hug” might be a bit too thin of a platform, Kasich decided to reverse gears on traditional Republican pro-life and pro-self-defense positions and veto the so-called “heartbeat bill” and “stand-your-ground bill.” “The key factor in my decision was my perception that I must differentiate myself from Trump in any way I can,” Kasich explained. “If Trump is for something it must be wrong for America. So, when Trump came out...

Disappointed that Democrats didn’t win every contested election in the 2018 mid-terms, former President Barack Obama charged that “too many voters are still confused, blind, filled with hate and racist. Given a clear choice between the progressive socialist values represented by Democrats in every state and district, a distressingly large number of voters persisted in pulling the lever for Republicans.” Obama laid some of the blame on himself for not seeking a third term as president. “I’m confident that I would’ve won,” he boasted. “I would’ve gotten billions of dollars of in-kind publicity from a loyal press corps. The people...

This past week, former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warned European politicians that “the lack of tough-sounding rhetoric regarding immigrants and refugees has paved the way for right-wing populists like Hungary’s Viktor Orbán, the Alternative for Germany Party, and Donald Trump to gain traction with voters. Preying on voters’ fears that allowing masses of semi-civilized immigrants into their countries endangers their cultural history, these political outsiders have threatened the long-term progressive governing coalition in several countries.” Clinton advised that “we need to take a more nuanced message to the voters who currently matter in order to keep the doors...

US District Judge Jon Steven Tigar in San Francisco blocked the Trump Administration's policy requiring applicants for refugee status to follow established legal procedures. According to Tigar, "the Trump Administration protocol discriminates against the estimated 500 members of the migrant caravan whose criminal records make following established legal procedures impractical. Under the Trump protocol these criminals would be automatically barred from entry—totally negating their chance for integrating themselves into the United States." Unsurprisingly, the Trump Administration denounced Tigar's ruling, calling it contrary to law and vowing to appeal it to a higher court. "It's just one more example of the...

Buoyed by the electoral success of so many democratic socialists in the recently concluded mid-terms, New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio wondered "if now is the time to implement the socialist ideal of total government control over all property. I think people all over this city, of every background, would like to have the city government determine which building goes where, how high it will be, who gets to live in it, and what the rent will be." "The current situation which requires people to take responsibility for where they live is socially unjust," the Mayor argued. "Why should some...

Once every year, Americans gather with their families to celebrate the beginning of white supremacy in the United States. They call this holiday “Thanksgiving,” but those of us who are woke call it “The Day White People Destroyed the American Continent by Creating an Oppressive Capitalist Regime.” We are still working on shortening the name, but the point remains. On this day, ignorant souls cheerfully gorge themselves on turkey, sweet potatoes, and green bean casserole, while minorities suffer in darkness; police are shooting black men in the streets by the thousands, women are having their rights taken away, and gay...

Under the mistaken notion that she has been elected dictator, Gov-Elect Laura Kelly (D) has announced her intention to “stick it to the social conservatives who opposed my election.” Items high on her agenda for her first days as Governor include ignoring a newly passed state law that bans state officials from harassing faith-based adoption agencies. Under the law these private organizations would be permitted to pursue placing orphans with married opposite sex parents. “In my view, orphans ought to be placed in a non-discriminatory fashion,” Kelly maintained. “No private adoption agency has a right to deviate from a random...

Impatient to make her mark on US policy, newly elected Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is demanding a Party commitment to 100% renewable energy by 2030 as the “price” for her support of Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) as House Speaker. Apprised that 100% renewable energy would likely price most consumers out of the market, Ocasio-Cortez trotted out her personal catchphrase of “just pay for it” in response. “The government can print as much money as is needed. There’s no reason why cost should any longer be a barrier to the implementation of the policies and programs required to create the workers’...

This week, Republican Gov Phil Bryant’s expression of puzzlement that there is no media outrage over the 20 million black babies killed by the abortion industry since 1973’s Roe v. Wade Supreme Court ruling drew a vicious backlash from Mississippi Reproductive Freedom Fund Executive Director Laurie Bertram Roberts. “Gov Bryant’s concern is disgusting and vile,” Roberts asserted. “It’s racist to single out the black mothers who choose to abort their babies.” ThinkProgress, a left-wing pro-abortion news site, slammed Bryant as a “misogynoir. His notion that abortion poses a distinct threat against black lives is a myth.” Claiming something is a...

After all the post-election massaging of ballots failed to produce a victory for Democratic gubernatorial candidate Stacy Abrams, the Party was considering demanding that the courts order a “do over.” The latest recount shows the GOP candidate Brian Kemp with 50.2% of the votes. Since this is a majority of the votes counted it is enough to win the office outright without the runoff that would have been required had he failed to get 50% +1 vote. The Abrams’ campaign theorized that there are more than enough potential votes that could have been cast if more voters would have gone...

The Florida Democratic Party made a post-election bid to "cure" defective ballots in the hope that a court would order these ballots to be counted in contradiction to state law. Chair of the Party, Terrie Rizzo explained that "it's only after all the legally compliant votes have been counted that we know how close the election was and whether it's worth the effort to try to get non-compliant ballots counted. With Republicans holding slim leads it was our assessment that bending the rules in the hope that a friendly judge would reward our effort seemed warranted." Meanwhile, defeated Sen. Bill...

The practice of parents with similarly aged children meeting up for play dates is in the cross hairs of the DC bureaucracy. State Superintendent of Education Hanseul Kang has charged that these informal arrangements "are an illegal intrusion on turf reserved for my department. There are public institutions targeting young children and their development. Every hour wasted at some play group run by unqualified parents is an hour that could have been spent in a program run by professionals. It doesn't matter that the play dates are voluntary or that participation seemingly hurts no one. We will levy fines or...

FLORIDA—Broward County, which has had trouble meeting its legal deadlines in the counting of ballots, has now brought in a consultant to speed up the recount: counting expert Count von Count. The Count wasted no time and immediately began counting as soon as he saw the ballots. He picked up one and said, “One vote for governor, eh eh eh.” After that, he picked up a second ballot and said, “Two votes for governor, eh eh eh.” Next, he picked up a third ballot and said, “Three votes for governor, eh eh eh.” “Wow!” exclaimed Broward County official Stanley...