| POLITICS |
Kerry's Teleportation Revelation Shocks World
In stunning announcement, candidate blows lid off top secret Pentagon project
By V.K. Bestertester, Staff Writer
FRESNO, CA — In a shocking revelation, John Kerry exposed a decades-old Department of Defense secret: Matter teleportation devices have been in use by the US Navy since at least 1968.
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Above: Kerry Shown Entering Teleporter |
"The Navy sent me on a top-secret mission into Cambodia using one of these thingys." Kerry revealed. "They wanted to slip me and some Special Forces guys across the border without anyone, even my shipmates, knowing about it. So, they brought this device out on to the river on Christmas Eve 1968. We were anchored about 50 miles from the Cambodian border at the time. I was ordered to go the the roof of my Swift Boat with my hookah, er, tape recorder and just close my eyes. Next thing I know, there's a buzzing sound and poof! I was in Cambodia."
The specifics, design, even the outward appearance of the device is unclear to Kerry. "It was awfully dark out there, and I couldn't see much. The spooks explained this needed to done under cover so nobody would be able to verify the story. Nixon wanted this kept hush-hush, and even though he wasn't president yet, he exerted real influence over the Military Industrial Complex. The place they sent us must've been pretty hot, because the moment I materialized, we began taking fire from the Vietnamese and Khmer Rouge and Cambodians. Sure enough, Nixon denied I was there."
Reaction to the revelation was swift. "What the...?" said John O'Reilly, spokesman for Swift Boat Veterans against Teleportation. "Does this guy really think he was whisked to Cambodia by some Buck Rogers zapper? I mean, for crying out loud! What's next, time travel? Will corroborating documents suddenly appear that he claims he retrieved from his boat by teleporting back to 'Nam? Will he explain his votes on the $87 billion for Iraq by saying he was in two places at once, voting both for and against simultaneously? Is this 'device' part of his Secret Plan for Iraq? This guy is obviously Unfit for Command."
Porter Tenet, spokesman for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) denied any such device existed. "Such a device is not even possible. And besides, if we had one, wouldn't we have used it to send someone more, er, competent into Cambodia? Why would we pick a marginal officer with only four months in country?"
Former National Security Adviser Rocky Bergman also laughed the idea off. "According to this report in my left sock, matter teleportation was investigated during the Viet Nam era, but helicopters proved more cost-efficient."
The Kerry campaign verified the claim, however. Michael Less said "BUSH LIED! We have a mildewed boonie hat that one of the members of the Teleport of Brothers gave Kerry during the mission. He wrote on it, 'To John, so long, and thanks for the ride!' John has kept that boonie hat all these years in a black briefcase, just in case the Bush administration tried to deny he was there. BUSH LIED! We can do better! Vietnam!"
Pressed for details, Kerry produced the above photograph for this reporter. "Here I am, climbing out of the thing after we got back. As you can tell, I was severely wounded in the ears and received my forth Legion of Merit [Purple Heart] for that mission. But, until now, I haven't been able to make that public. But the little grey guys that were waiting for me back on the boat treated me and all of a sudden, my ears were all better. But the memory of these little guys is seared, seared, in my mind. They even signed the medical form, see?"
Kerry then produced a standard US Navy medical treatment form, which was signed in a language this reporter could not decipher. The document was taken to a private lab for analysis, but the only notable finding was traces of cannabis sativa on the envelope that contained it.
Asked for comment, Bush administration spokesman Scott McRumsfeld said "We have never questioned Senator Kerry's sanity and veracity on his Viet Nam service, and we never will." This reporter attempted a follow-up about the device, but McRumsfeld suddenly vanished from the room.
