Posted on 06/04/2011 2:23:31 PM PDT by Feline_AIDS
There are few places someone can go to lament the loss of traditional values like FR. Today I'm lamenting the death (or terminal illness) of the sensible American wedding.
As a 24-year-old American girl, I attend lots of nuptials, and because of familial obligations certain brides couldn't eschew, I've even been an occasional bridesmaid. Every subsequent wedding I attend seems to be the next in a terrifying sequence of tacky one-upmanship. It's as though each bride has a "ridiculous counter" that ticks up and up during the planning until true perfection of ridiculousness is realized on the big day.
Here are the things that bother me, and I know you may be guilty of a few, so some of them are going to make you mad. And I'm not sorry, because all of them make me mad, so my situation is far more painful.
#1: If you are already living together, why are you having a lavish wedding and wearing a white dress? It's not fooling anybody, not even your blind and deaf grandma. We all know what you've been up to, and it is beyond me that you do not understand that this whole day is a little absurd because you've already been living the way you were supposed to live after this day. Own up to your behavior, save me $75, and go to the courthouse.
#2: I am never going to wear this horrid dress again. In fact, I'm reasonably sure that it was just a terrible practical joke at the dress factory, but by some tragic accounting error, it was shipped out, and now my body is wrapped in yards of shiny brown satin. If the only thing I can think when I look in the mirror while wearing the bridesmaid's dress you've chosen is: "You can polish a turd..." then you might want to reconsider this princess theme you seem to be going for. Also, it's May. Why on God's blossoming, springy, colorful, alive and green earth are we wearing brown?
#3: And what's with bridesmaids having to wear the exact same dress anyway? I have to wear a uniform at my job (short orange shorts and a white tank top); why should I have to wear one to a wedding? Is it to identify the two different teams? Team bride and team groom? Because I'm undecided--unless team I'd-give-it-three-years is forming in the back of the room. All these outfits really do is show who is on team idiot, because we're the only people here wearing a $300 uniform yet aren't getting paid.
#4: Oh, but you are getting paid: the bride is going to give you a $20 tchotchke for standing around looking like a melted tootsie roll for 45 minutes while a preacher the bride met for the first time last weekend rants on and on about a book of the Bible she's never even heard of. ("Wait, why is he talking about the Romans? I thought the Bible was about Jews. Ugh! Christianity is so contradictory.") If you're going to give me a present for being your bridesmaid, it should be a) a filled flask that can be concealed in this tacky dress, b) several doses of a narcotic painkiller to be taken 30 minutes before the ceremony, or c) a refund for this fashion-crime sausage casing that I'm wearing.
#4.5: Why did you write your own vows? They're not cute. They just made everyone in this room embarrassed for you. The vows the church uses were designed to basically say, "I'm not going to ditch you for your bridesmaid that I think I saw at Hooters last week." They are meant to say that you are entering into a permanent union, ordained by God, that you can't just back out of when it's not fun anymore. You don't realize how important these vows are. They are the referent for your behavior toward each other for the rest of your lives. But hey, you're smarter than some ol' dusty book! Write away, Shakespeare!
#5: I'm sure planet Tackyhostess is nice this time of year, but on earth, if you invite people to your party, you don't expect them to pay for their food and drink. If you don't have money for an open bar, close the damn bar. If you're a good bride, I've got my bridesmaid's flask by now, so I'm peachy. (Unless the flask is filled with something peachy. In that case, I'm angry.) I know everyone here was hoping to get some good booze as a trade off for you stealing $75 and an hour of their Saturday, but if that's the transaction taking place, I ask again, Why are we here?
#6: You've got to be on drugs if you think I'm going to send money to your travel agency so you can go on your honeymoon. Here's a novel idea: Don't spend money you don't have! (Say, maybe our congressmen are bridezillas in drag. Dennis Kucinich, I'm looking at you.) If you can't afford to go to the Bahamas for 2 weeks without panhandling, then go somewhere else. Why are you even going on a honeymoon? The point of a honeymoon is to get to know someone biblically, and you've got that covered, Miss It's-Just-Cheaper-If-We-Share-An-Apartment. In the age old game of "You can have a cookie that's been dropped on the floor now, or 5 star tiramisu later," you chose the cookie. Deal with it, and don't ask me to pay for your finally-making-it-honest vacation.
#7: Don't you dare ask me for cash! I'm beginning to suspect that instead of providing your bridesmaids with narcotic pain killers, you crushed them all up and snorted them yourself. Why else would you have the audacity to ask me for money when you have a job, car, house, dog, and a long-standing birth control prescription? I'm not getting anything out of this; what am I paying for here? The privilege of seeing you in a white dress that makes you look fat? Enduring multiple passes from your drunk "uncles"? Steal of a deal! I've only spent $450 on this event and I've already been groped twice!
#8: You don't deserve a damn thing. And you are not a princess. If you or your family don't have the money to pay for a royal wedding, don't organize a royal wedding. Just because your best friend's father spent $250,000 on a wedding doesn't mean you have to too. It only means he's an idiot or absolutely filthy rich, and if it's the latter, I'd like to know if there are any single men in the family, thankyuuvurymuch. People like you thinking that just because someone else has something, you deserve it too is why we're all up crap creek right now. And it's why you're going into your marriage with $50,000+ in debt, not counting the dream house you also deserve.
#9: I don't need steak tar-tar. I don't need lobster. I don't need caviar. I'll settle for something that's edible, tasty, and plentiful. I'm not impressed that the menu is written in French. I'm not impressed with the smorgasbord of imported seafood. I am, however, impressed with the ring-bearer who just put a spoonful of caviar into his mouth, spit it back into the spoon, and put the spoon back in the serving dish. My thoughts exactly, kid.
#10: You look trashy carrying around a bottle of beer in a coozy, Mrs. Justmarriedpants. I know you well enough to know we should all be sitting in an AA meeting instead of marching in this parade of fanciful denial, but couldn't you not imbibe once? Just this once? Don't you want to have at least one wedding picture that doesn't double as an advertisement for Budweiser? Don't you realize your drunk face is not cute? And how are all these drunk people getting home? If you didn't have the money for the Bahamas, I seriously doubt you've hired cars for your hammered guests.
#11: Why are you leaving in a limo? We all know you don't regularly ride in a limo. Why today? Are we supposed to think you're Jay Gatsby or John D. Rockefeller all of a sudden? And the limo has the company logo plastered on the side. "Enchanted Events Limos." It's just more evidence of the latent fantasy world you should have exercised by age 10.
So, dear bride, the bottom line is this: you're not fooling anybody. We know you are living together, so the white dress is a joke. We know you can't spell caviar, so that's a sham. We know you don't own the limo, so you're not tricking us into believing that you're fancy. And finally, we all know something you apparently do not: you are not a princess.
Your wedding should be a happy day. It should be fun, memorable, and most of all, easy. But it shouldn't be memorable because of how many people went to jail, and it won't be memorable because of how much money you spent. The guests will remember it fondly if it is tasteful, conservative, and genuine. And the greatest of these is genuine. If you're spending money on things to make you feel like a celebrity, you're going to be let down when a wedding becomes a marriage. So don't try to impress people, don't try to out do someone else. Just see it for what it is: the celebration of entering a covenant with God and someone else.
Now pass me those bacon-wrapped scallops.
Funny thing, I do a little bar tending at the American legion where a lot of people have these parties
.
1. 9 times out of ten the children of the bride or the groom are picked to be ring bearer or flower girl. Yes you read right most of them have kids either out of wedlock or from another wedding that didn’t work out.
2. Buying an expensive wedding gown and having your tattoos show is pretty dumb.
3. Do not get falling down drunk on your wedding day.
4. there is no way to hide a 6 month pregnanacy in a white gown.
5. Park your car 25 miles up the road where it can be hidden easily and tell no one where it is.
We had the money for a big wedding but it didn’t interest us. Gifts didn’t interest us. We just wanted to set the tone for our lives together and it wasn’t about stuff. I have a brother who shacked up with his girlfriend, had a child with her and they got married when his son was 10. The bride wore white. They had a huge reception, a band and honeymoon. They registered for gifts at the high end dept stores and were given God knows how much money.
My family could have come to our wedding but not my husband’s as his parents were not well enough to travel. I tucked my cellphone behind my bouquet and my 96 year Sicilian grandmother listened to the 10 minute ceremony 600 miles away. She was so happy to be a part of the ceremony. She passed away 2 weeks later.
She didn’t live to see my brother get married which was a continuous heartbreak for her.
Sweetheart, it wasn’t a pasture. It is a farm that we own. Outright. And with an attitude like that, maybe she deserves better than you. Stop thinking about what you want. It is not YOUR day. And going into debt that takes years to pay off to impress your neighbors and idiot friends is kind of stupid. Dontcha think? And you did knock me you bitch.
Irony is truly the highest form of humor. You've defended yourself most...uh...eloquently.
You made me laugh! Funny article - edit just a teeny and submit it to Brides magazine!!!
I was a bridesmaid a couple times and a matron of honor once. It’s definitely an experience.
Sorry for the cattiness. Well, calling you a bitch actually. But it was bitchy for you to say that. I can only hope your daughter marries her forever true love who doesn’t abuse her or cheat on her and if getting married in a pasture ensures her lifelong happiness, so be it.
At my wedding, the bridesmaids wore whatever they wished!! I wasn’t going to do that to them. They all looked LOVELY. The groomsmen wore whatever suits they wanted, too.
...because no matter how old you are, you'll always get hungry!
The best wedding I ever attended was in a pasture filled with flowers. That marriage has lasted a lot longer than mine.
I’ve suffered through many friends’ and coworkers’ wedding plans, and you’re right, it’s ridiculous! It’s nothing but competitiveness. It’s all, “So-and-so’s dress/invitations/band/flowers/ring/reception hall/whatever were tacky! Mine are going to be MUCH better!” Women spend a ridiculous amount of money and get all stressed out and bridezilla-like trying to have a “perfect” day that is “better” than all their friends’ weddings. IMO if all that money and effort were instead put into starting the couple’s life together, there might be fewer divorces.
Then there’s the bride who registers for gifts and all of her choices are ridiculously expensive. Or the one who starves herself for months so she’ll be skinny on the wedding day. Or the one who brags about how many carats her diamond engagement ring has. The whole thing has gotten just way out of control. It’s all about being Queen for a Day, the Princess, the movie star, and not about being in love and making a life together.
Thanks! I just might submit it.
FA
Personally, I used to believe that engagement rings are appropriate, I don’t any more. Actually I don’t believe in wearing jewelry at all any more owing to a change of heart in terms of my Christian faith.
FWIW, I wasn’t the skinflint, my wife was; the do-it-yourself aspect was her idea. The rings were simple bands. Dress was off the rack normal dress that could be worn again. No tuxes, just suits. No DJ or band - which allowed everyone to mix and mingle and talk a lot more. It not only didn’t bother anyone, everyone really enjoyed the fact that they could mingle and talk. It was like a big family reunion or picnic.
Held at our house, had large room inside, ceremony was outside since we had a beautiful sunny day.
Wife professional chef, gave me lists: rented tables, chairs, linens, china, s/w, glassware, etc. My own personal selection of wine and beer (huge savings). Served choice of Chicken in a champagne sauce, Salmon or Filet Mignon. It was fantastic to be able to select everything ourselves - and pay less ! For example, I knew many of the guests tastes in wine and beer and was able to accomodate them very well - it had the same effect as open bar for the whole reception. I even could splurge on a few very nice French wines for our table and the very few guests that would appreciate - or even like them, that would have cost a fortune if they even were available from a “wedding factory”. People really enjoyed that the food and beverage was just as if they went to their favorite restaurant and they were able to really enjoy the meal instead of suffer through it. For the kids we made simple spaghetti and meatballs, since that’s something everyone said they would be happy with.
It was a glorious day, easy (if you like work) and everyone was extremely happy with everything. I have to admit that we were a little helped by the fact that the house was on a lakefront, but that actually proved quite unnecessary.
Another alternative I would suggest to people instead of catering at a “wedding place” is to see if you could find a good chef-owned restaurant that you like and see if you can get them to do it. Restaurants will often do private parties.
IMHO, often the ceremonies are rushed through in the stampede to get to the “real fun”, the reception. Sometimes, the bride’s fantasy ceremony is required by her and turns the focus from the marriage to her circus dress and those of her bridesmaids. Often people “write their own” vows in complete disregard of what a Christian marriage means. I’ve come to realize just how foreign the whole “big wedding day” process is to what marriage is all about. The typical huge expense modern wedding is actually a very good way to start off a marriage on the wrong foot, living a fantasy which costs far more than the happy couple is able to afford. Fantasy is the last thing that should be in the mind of a newly married couple - a marriage is real life, not a fantasy. In terms of how much a husband “loves” a wife, it is far better if he is financially responsible than if he humors her whims; of course sometimes it is the husband, sometimes both that want to spend. Even for the wealthy couple who can easily afford it, an ostentatious party contributes nothing to marital fidelity.
IMHO, seeing how it went, the home reception was far preferable to a “retail” reception. Wedding catering food can be the most overpriced, dismal stuff; the “retail” wedding is hackneyed and banal and has been for decades. One has to take a step back and do the arithmetic, or be an industry insider, to figure out that for what they’re spending, if they went to a restaurant, they’d have a better meal cooked to order. Which makes no sense, because it is much more difficult to cook to order than “dish out” with minimal variety and one seating. The most expensive “wedding places” offer the best of one commodity: a status symbol to impress friends and family, and today, that means mostly friends.
Instead of the “entertainment” show of the typical wedding reception, the “at home” allowed the focus to be simply on the wedding and family. Absolutely wonderful, I would advocate the same thing for someone worth $1 billion.
I now see the wisdom of sticking to an all-cash payment. It’s not an investment of any kind, it’s one meal.
I would highly recommend the at-home wedding that the couple hosts themselves. It is a wonderful experience that the couple has to work on together, it takes pressure off guests of humble means to fork over a big fat check to cover your costs and there’s nothing like the feeling afterwards when you both realize that you’re all paid up, you owe nothing, you didn’t waste money needlessly, only spending what you truly could afford.
I agree wholeheartedly!!
Mrs. AV
I’ll drink to that. In the end, it’s love that counts. Little has changed on that front.
Please, Cowgirl, start with a /sentimental for posts like #19.
Rented campground in mountains...$20.00
Homemade elk burgers for reception...Buns & beans $30.00
Dress...$100.00
Married to same person 20 years this fall...priceless
oh yea..honeymoon..went antelope & elk hunting :-)
Sarah ? Is that you ?
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.