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An advantage of being in the same church for a long time is that you have an opportunity to see things play out. You can observe parenting and then watch the “parented” children grow up. You can see folks go from young parents to empty nesters. You can see all sorts of people just passing through. In short, you’re around long enough for time to tell its story. And if it told proverbs about Presbyterian church life, they might sound like this. One who speaketh in his first Sunday School class will evaporate like the morning dew. It’s uncanny –...

Belvue, KS – Sources close to Pope Michael are strongly denying reports out Monday morning claiming that the pontiff will be retiring at the end of February. “His Holiness is deeply saddened by all the lies and hullabaloo that have been spread about him in the papers this morning stating that he is retiring due to health issues,” a source reported to his mailman. “His Holiness is in perfect health…in fact, he has all the energy and vigor of a 56-year-old layman from Kansas.” Another source, his auntie, who was present at the press conference with the mailman also went...

John Ordover sent this in. He was looking at a picture of Jesus (or rather, an artist's interpretation of what Jesus might have looked like) when he realized a piece of toast had miraculously appeared on it. I think this must be a message from John's toaster! But can we be sure that actually is a piece of toast? It kinda looks like a granola bar to me.

WABASH, IN. — Bake sales. Car washes. Bingo. Churches for decades have relied on tried and true methods of fundraising when tithes and offerings left vision-thick congregations in a lurch. But Wabash Christian Center has taken a unique approach to supplying ministerial needs. Eschewing fundraising altogether, the 20-year-old fellowship collects Marlboro Miles to outfit its church. Smokers for years collected Marlboro Miles from packs of cigarettes and redeemed them through the company’s product catalogue, which featured prizes ranging from T-shirts to camping tents. Marlboro added “Spiritline” in 2008 and the congregation took full advantage. “That’s how we got our new...

I've been commissioned to compile The Pope Francis Little Book of Insults. Have I missed any out? It will hit the shelf at Christmas, for £6.99, but you get a 20% discount if you insult the cash till operator with any of the following insults. My favourite is "You querulous and disillusioned pessimist!" It should not be confused with The Pope Francis Little Book of Indults, which will be published in 2014, first in Germany and then then the rest of Europe. "Old maid!" "Fomenter of coprophagia!" "Specialist of the Logos!" "Rosary counter!" "Functionary!" Self-absorbed, Promethean neo-Pelagian!" "Restorationist!" "Pelagian!" "Mr...

In this photograph, I mean. After all, not knowing what the person is actually saying is what makes a caption contest fun, right?Besides, if there’s anything we’ve learned in the past year, it’s that having no clue what Pope Francis is saying should never be a hindrance to putting words in his mouth.And Thomas – sorry for so shamelessly treading on your turf, but it’s such a great picture I couldn’t pass it up.So readers, have at it. What captions can you come up with for this great photo of Pope Francis?I took a few stabs at it myself…“No, I’m serious...

For "America's Pastor," everything seems to be going extremely well right now in the USA. Lakewood Church is bursting at the seams. Pastor Osteen continues to be invited to speak on TV shows such as Larry King Live. AIROST will soon be adding routes to five new cities. Your Best Life Now has set numerous sales records. And now his new book (Become a Better You) is ready to come into stores all over the USA. One problem remains for Pastor Joel. His books are not selling well in a large part of the world: the "10/40 window." The "10/40...

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NEW YORK CITY, NY --- The Episcopal Church's COO, Bishop Stacy Sauls announced this week that Katharine Jefferts Schori, the church's Presiding Bishop, had "abolished sin" after well-known intellectual and gay theological heavy-weight Bishop Gene Robinson wrote that she had effectively done so through her words and beliefs. The exchange took place following a meeting of Integrity, the rambunctious, noisy Episcopal Gay organization, following a night on the town (NYC) that was described by one participant as "a night of unbridled debauchery and lechery" in memory of the now deceased Bishop Otis Charles, the first outed gay TEC bishop. The...

The video below is a humorous depiction of the utter frustration of seeking our fulfillment in or from this world. Ormie the Pig seeks cookies that are just out of reach and he will go to every length to get them.Many are like this in our world. In a quest for illusory happiness, many will spare no expense, and even self-destruct seeking to fill the God-sized hole in their heart.But it never works, because our desires are infinite, and a finite world just can’t seal the deal. We are always left unsatisfied. Our complete fulfillment can only be with God....

Mormon missionaries on bicycles decide to proselytize the WRONG man...

This January, Canadian pastor Ben Gregor of St. Dwenden Catholic Church was forced to postpone the consecration for nearly two hours after no laity could be found to bring the gifts up to the altar. After being questioned as to why there needed be anyone to bring up the gifts, Gregor justified his decision telling EOTT that, “Without Mary’s Fiat, there is no Jesus to be born; and without the laity’s Fiat in presenting, there is no bread to become Jesus.” Later that month near riots broke out in Baker, Oregon after female parishioners became outraged that men were not also being asked to...

SALT LAKE CITY — The producers of a Mormon version of the popular “Bachelor” television program were dealt a rude surprise when their lead man got down on his knee and proposed to all six finalists. “I couldn’t make up my mind,” said Larry Whistall, 29, the bachelor. “I realized they all had good qualities, so I went the polygamy route.” Five of the six women said yes, and now say they look forward to moving to rural Utah and bearing Whistall as many children as physically possible. And in-fighting? Not a problem, they claim. “Me and the other women...

PASADENA — Four years ago, match site eHarmony quietly launched a new initiative, eHarmony4Kids, to help parents find mates for their children. The new program, whose tagline is “Play Dates, Life Mates. eHarmony for Kids,” has worked so well that the company is rolling it out nationally this year. “People want to steer their kids toward compatible potential life partners at an early age,” says an eHarmony spokesman. “Core beliefs are in place at a young age so we can help them do that.” Parents in Nashville, Seattle, Sacramento and Boston were secretly invited to participate in the field testing....

For the last six months, Catholic cardinals, bishops and theologians have been deliberating in Vatican City, discussing the future of the church and redefining long-held Catholic doctrines and dogmas. The Third Vatican Council, is undoubtedly the largest and most important since the Second Vatican Council was concluded in 1962. Pope Francis convened the new council to “finally finish the work of the Second Vatican Council.” While some traditionalists and conservative reactionaries on the far right have decried these efforts, they have delighted progressives around the world.The Third Vatican Council concluded today with Pope Francis announcing that Catholicism is now a...

'Twas the night before Smithmas, and all through the temple, Not a cumelon was creeping, or a tapir, (for ex-emple!) The garments were hung out to dry in the air, But fortunately for us, we have two extra pairs. The children were stashed at Gramma's homestead, While Mom and Pop got dunked once again for the dead! And Mom in her veil, and I in my old bakers' cap, Had just about finished another endowment wrap! When beyond the temple grounds I heard a big clatter Even sprang from my seat to see about the chatter; To the pentagram window...

MADISON, Wisc. — Last year, First Christian Church brought in live donkeys to wow the audience at its annual Christmas drama. This year, they’re adding “scented sensations which bring the Holy Land to life.” In short, their presentation is going to stink. With a slew of Christmas presentations vying for local audiences this year, churches are embracing far-out measures to enliven December dramas. This season’s fad is Smells of Palestine, a “sensory kit” sold by The Ol’ Factory Worship Experience, a Dallas company. The kit pumps “authentic smells” into the sanctuary during re-enactments of the Christmas story. “It works like...

Full Title: Analysts Predict Biggest Christmas Church Shopping Season Ever; Churches sharpen seasonal services to nab annual worshipers ANNAPOLIS, MD – Christine Eagen sits at the table in her neatly decorated suburban dining room with an open phone book, a wall calendar, a notepad and a laptop. She circles church listings in the phone book with a red sharpie, visits their Web sites on her laptop and pencils in their names on her calendar between November 25th and December 24th, all the while taking copious notes. “There are so many churches in the area, and we have such a limited...

BOSTON (CAP) - Officials for the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston have announced plans to switch a number of area parishes from the centuries-old bland wheat flour-based communion wafers to a more contemporary wafer containing polyunsaturated fats and one of a handful of flavoring agents. "Don't let it be said that the Catholic Church isn't a forward-thinking ecclesiastical entity," said Archbishop Sean Patrick O'Malley. "Whether we're the first internationally-renowned religion to openly cover-up clergy sex abuse scandals or the first to make Mass taste better, we always have our congregations' best interests in mind." According to O'Malley, the first batch of...